#312

[Postmark: April 13, 1846]

Sunday.

Dearest, unspeakably dear Ba, — would I were with you !
But my heart stays with you : I write this, tired somewhat
and out of spirits — for I have been writing notes this
morning ; getting rid of the arrears which turn out more
considerable than I thought. And the moment I have done,
I look to the chair and the picture and desire to be at rest
with you; the perfect rest and happiness here on earth.
But do think, my own Ba, in the direction I indicated
yesterday — any obstacle now, would be more than I could
bear — I feel I must live with you, — if but for a year, a month
— to express the love which words cannot express, nor
these letters, nor aught else.

See one thing ! Through your adorable generosity, my
beloved, — at the beginning you pleased to tell me my love
was returned, — that I had gained your love; without your
assurance, I should never have believed that possible, whatever
you may think ; but you, what you say, I believe ;
would in other matters believe, rather than my own senses ;
and here I believed — in humbleness, God knows ; but so it
was. — Then, is there not this one poor fruit of that
generosity, one reassuring consideration, if you will accept it,
that, nearly a year ago, I was in possession of all I aspired
to? — so that if I had been too weak for my accorded
happiness — likely to be in due time satiated with it, and
less and less impressed by it, and so on, till at last ‘
changed, — would not this have happened inevitably before
now? I had gained your love ; one could not go on gaining
it — but some other love might be gained ! Indeed, I
don’t see how, in certain instances (where there is what is
called a pursuit and all the excitement of suspense, and
alternating hope and fear, all ending in the marriage day,
after the fashion of a Congreve comedy), how with the
certainty of that kind of success, all the interest of the
matter can avoid terminating. But it does seem to me,
that the love I have gained is as nothing to the love I trust
to gain. I want the love at our lives’ end, the love after
trial, the love of my love, when mine shall have had time
and occasion to prove itself ! I have already, from the
beginning indeed, had quite enough magnanimity to avoid
wishing for opportunities of doing so at your expense — I
pray you may never be in dangers from which I rescue you,
nor meet sorrow from which I divert you : but in the
ordinary chances of life — I shall be there, and ready,
and your own, heart and soul. Why do I say this to you ?

All words are so weak, — so weak !

Here, — (no, I shall have to send it to-morrow, I believe
— well, here in the course of the day) — comes ‘ Luria ‘ and
the other — and I lay it at my dear Lady’s feet, wishing it
were worthier of them, and only comforted, through all the
conviction of the offering’s unworthiness, by knowing that
she will know, — the dear, peerless, all precious Ba I adore,
will know — that I would give her my life gladlier at a
word. See what I have written on the outside — ‘ to Miss
Barrett ‘ ! — because I thought even leaving out the name might
look suspiciously ! But where no eye can see ; save your
dear eye . . there is written a dedication.

Kiss me, dear Ba. May God bless you. Care for
everything— if you should have taken cold last night, for
instance ! Talk of a sword suspended by a hair ! — what is the
feeling of one whose priceless jewel hangs over a gulf by a
hair ? Tell me all — I love you wholly and am wholly yours.

See the strangely dirty paper — it comes from my desk
where, every now and then, a candle gets over-set ; or the
snuffers remain open, aghast at what I write !

#310

[Postmark: April 10, 1846]

Friday Morning.

Dearest, sweetest best — how can you, seeing so much,
yet see that ‘ possibility ‘ — I leave off loving you ! and be
‘ angry ‘ and ‘ vexed ‘ and the rest ! Well — take care I don’t
answer fairly and plainly that I can do all this — as the poor
women had to confess in their bewilderment when grave
judges asked ‘ by which of the thirty-seven ways they were
accustomed to signify their desire of his presence to Asmodeus’ — &c. &c. — But I cannot jest, nor trifle here — I
protest in the most solemn way I am capable of conceiving,
that I am altogether unable to imagine how or whence or
why any possible form of anger or vexation or any thing
akin can or could or should or shall ever rise in me to you
— it is a sense hitherto undreamed of, a new faculty —
altogether an inexplicable, impossible feeling. I am not
called on, surely, to suppose cases of pure impossibility ?
To say, ‘ if you did thus or thus,’ — what I know you could
no more do than go and kill cows with your own hand, and
dig up kale grounds ? But I can fancy your being angry
with me, very angry — and speaking the truth of the anger —
that is to ‘ fancied’, and God knows I should in that case
kiss my letters, here, till you pleased to judge me not unworthy to kiss the hem of your garment again. My own Ba !
My election is made or God made it for me, — and is irrevocable. I am wholly yours. I see you have yet to understand
what that implies, — but you will one day. And in this, just
said, I understand serious anger, for serious offences ; to
which, despite my earnest endeavour, who shall say I may
not be liable ? What are you given me for but to make me
better — and, in that, happier ? If you could save my soul,
‘ so as by fire,’ would your dear love shrink from that ? But
in the matter we really refer to . . . Oh, Ba, did I not pray
you at the beginning to tell me the instant you detected
anything to be altered by human effort? to give me that
chance of becoming more like you and worthier of you ?
and here where you think me gravely in the wrong, and I
am growing conscious of being in the wrong, — one or two
repetitions of such conduct as yours, such ‘ disagreeable
letters,’ and I must ‘ leave off ‘ . . . When I do that on
such ground . . I need imprecate no foolish sense on my
head, — the very worst will be in full operation. I only wrote
to justify an old feeling, exercised only in the case of others
I have heard of — men called ‘ cool murderers,’ ‘ deliberate
imbruers of their hands in,’ &c. &c. — and I meant just to say,
— well, — I, and others, despise your society and only go into
it now to be the surer that, when we leave it, we were not
excluded as the children turn from the grapes because their
teeth are set on edge, whatever may be the foxes’ pretext —
but, for your own devoted followers be a little more merciful, and while you encourage them to spend a dozen years
in a law-suit, lest they lose a few pounds . . but I won’t
repeat the offence, dear — you are right and I am wrong and
will lay it to heart, and now kiss, not your feet this time,
because I am the prouder, far from the more humble, by
this admission and retractation —

Your note arrives here — Ba ; — it would have been
‘better for me,’ that? Oh, dearest, let us marry soon, very
soon, and end all this ! If I could begin taking exceptions
again, I might charge you with such wild conventionalism,
such wondrous perversity of sight or blindness rather ! Can
you, now, by this time, tell me or yourself that you could
believe me happy with any other woman that ever breathed ?
I tell you without affectation, that I lay the whole blame to
myself . . that I feel that if I had spoken my love out
sufficiently all this doubt could never have been possible.
You quite believe I am in earnest, know my own mind and
speak as I feel, on these points we disputed about — yet I
am far from being sure of it, or so it seems now — but, as for
loving you, — there I mistake, or may be wrong, or may, or
might or or —

Now kiss me, my best-dearest beloved ! It seems I
am always understood so — the words are words, and faulty,
and inexpressive, or wrongly expressive, — but when I live
under your eyes, and die, you will never mistake, — you do
not now, thank God, say to me — ‘ you want to go elsewhere
for all you say the visit seems too brief ‘ — and, ‘ you would
change me for another, for all you possess ‘ — never do you
say such things — but when I am away, all the mistaking
begins — let it end soon, come, dearest life of my life, light
of my soul, heart’s joy of my heart !

You feel I must see you to-morrow it possible — at all
events I will call for the parcel. (What made you suppose I
was engaged to-morrow night ? The saying that I should
meet my sea-faring friend, perhaps ? But that is to be here
— he comes here — at all events, I recollect no other engagement — if I had one with Death himself, I almost think I
would go, — folly ! But let the parcel be ready (to put into
my hand at once) and I will venture at 3 o’clock.

In truth, all yesterday I was very unwell, — going about
sight-seeing with a friend and his lady-cousins, and afterward
dining with them — I came home dead with intense boring
— I rarely remember to have suffered so much. To-day I
am rather better, — much better, indeed. If I can but see
you for a few minutes to-morrow !

May God bless you, dearest — and show you the truth in
me, the one truth which I dare hope compensates for much
that is to be forgiven : when I told you at the beginning I
was not worthy, was infinitely lower &c., you seemed incredulous! well now, you see ! I, that you would persist
in hoping better things of, held such opinions as those —
and so you begin setting me right, and so I am set far on
towards right — is not all well, love ? And now go on, when
I give next occasion, and tell me more, and let me alter
more, and thank you, if I can, more — but not, not love
you more, you, Ba, whom I love wholly, — with all my
faculties, all my being. May God bless you, again — it all
ends there — !

Your own R.

#307

[Postmark: April 9, 1846]

Thursday. 8. a.m.

Dearest, I have to go out presently and shall not be
able to return before night . . so that the letter I expect
will only be read then and answered to-morrow — what will
it be, the letter ? Nothing but dear and kind, I know . .
even deserve to know, in a sense, — because I am sure all
in my letter was meant to be ‘ read by your light.’ I submit,
unfeignedly, to you, there as elsewhere — and, — as I said, I
think, — I wrote so precisely because it was never likely to
be my own case. I should consider it the most unhappy
thing that could possibly happen to me, — (putting aside the
dreadful possibilities one refuses to consider at all, — the
most)

Have you made any discoveries about the disposition of
Saturday ? May I come, dearest ? (On Saturday evening I
shall see a friend who will tell me all he knows about ships
and voyage expenses — or refer me to higher authorities.)

Bless you, now and ever, my own Ba. Do you know,
next Saturday, in its position of successor to Good Friday,
will be the anniversary of Mr. Kenyon’s asking me, some
four years ago, ‘ if I would like to see Miss B.’ How I
remember ? I was staying with him for a couple of days.
Now, I will ask myself ‘ would you like to kiss Ba?’
‘ Then comes the Selah, Goodbye, dearest-dearest !

Yours R.

#305

[Postmark: April 8, 1846]

Wednesday Morning.

First of all, kiss me, dearest, — and again — and now, with
the left arm round you, I will write what I think in as few
words as possible. I think the fault of not carrying out
principles is yours, here. Several principles would arrive at
the result you desire — Christianity, Stoicism, Asceticism,
Epicureanism (in the modern sense) — all these ‘ carried out’
stop the procedure you deprecate — but I fancy, as you state
your principle, that it is an eclecticism from these and others ;
and presently one branch crosses its fellow, and we stop,
arrive at nothing. Do you accept ‘ life’s warm-beating joy
and dole,’ for an object of that life ? Is ‘ society ‘ a thing
to desire to participate in? not by the one exceptional
case out of the million, but by men generally, — men who
‘ live ‘ only for living’s sake, in the first instance ; next, men
who, having ulterior objects and aims of happiness, yet
derive various degrees of sustainment and comfort from the
social life round them ; and so on, higher up, till you come
to the half-dozen, for whom we need not be pressingly
urgent to legislate just yet, having to attend to the world
first. Well, is social life, a good, generally to these ? If so,
— go back to another principle which I suppose you to
admit, — that ‘ good ‘ may be lawfully held, defended, — even
to the death. Now see where the ‘ cross ‘ takes place.
Something occurs which forces a man to hold this, defend
this — he must do this, or renounce it. You let him do
neither. Do not say he needs not renounce it, — we go
avowedly on the vulgar broad ground of fact — you very well
know it is a fact that by his refusing to accept a challenge,
or send one, on conventionally sufficient ground, he will be
infallibly excluded from a certain class of society thenceforth-
and forever. What society should do rather, is wholly
out of the question — what will be done? And now,
candidly, can you well fancy a more terrible wrong than
this to the ordinary multitude of men ? Alter the principles
of your reasoning — say, Christianity forbids this, — and that
will do — rational Simon renounces on his pillar more than
the pleasures of society if so he may save his soul : say,
society is not worth living in, — it is no wrong to be forced
to quit it — that will do, also, — a man with ‘ Paradise Lost ‘
or ‘ Othello ‘ to write ; or with a Ba to live beside for his
one companion, — or many other compensations, — he may
retire to his own world easily. Say, on the lowest possible
ground, ‘ out of society one eats, drinks &c. excellently well ;
what loss is there? ‘ — all these principles avail ; but mix
them — and they surely neutralize each other. A man may
live, enjoy life, oppose an attempt to prevent his enjoying
life, — yet not — you see ! ‘ The method is irrational,
proves nothing &c. ‘ — what is that to the question ? Is the
effect disputable or no ? Wordsworth decides he had better
go to court — then he must buy or borrow a court-dress.
He goes because of the poetry in him. What irrationality
in the bag and sword — in the grey duffil gown yonder, he
wrote — half through the exceeding ease and roominess of it
‘ The Excursion ‘ ; how proper he should go in it, therefore
. . beside it will wring his heartstrings to pay down the
four pounds, ten and sixpence : good, Mr. Wordsworth
There’s no compulsion ; go back to the lakes and be
entirely approved of by Miss Norwick ! . . but, if you do
choose to kiss hands (instead of cheeks ‘ smackingly ‘) why
you must even resolve to ‘ grin and bear it ‘ (a sea-phrase!)
— and, Ba, your imaginary man, who is called ‘ liar ‘ before
a large assembly, must decide for one or the other course
‘ He makes his antagonist double the wrong ‘ ? Nay — here
the wrong begins— the poor author of the outrage should
have known his word was nothing — the sense of it, he and
his like express abundantly every hour of the day, if they
please, in language only a shade removed from this that
causes all the harm, — and who does other than utterly
ineffably despise them ? but he chooses, as the very phrase
is, to oblige his adversary to act thus. He is nothing (I am
going on your own case of a supposed futile cause of
quarrel) — he may think just what he pleases — but having
said this and so — it is entirely society’s affair — and whatis
society’s present decision ? Directly it relaxes a regulation
allows another outlet to the natural contempt for, and
indifference to such men and their opinions spoken or
unspoken, everybody avails himself of it directly. If the
Lord Chamberlain issues an order this morning, ‘ No swords
need be worn at next levee ‘ — who will appear with one ?
A politician is allowed to call his opponent a destructive
&c. A critic may write that the author of such a book or
such, is the poorest creature in the world — and who dreams:
of being angry ? but society up to this time says, ‘ if a man
calls another &c. &c., then he must ‘ — Will you renounce
society? I for one, could, easily: so therefore shall Mr.
Kenyon ! Beside, I on purpose depreciate the value of an
admission into society . . as if it were only for those who
recognize no other value ; and the wiser men might easily
forego it. Not so easily ! There are uses in it, great uses,
for purposes quite beyond its limits — you pass through it, mix
with it, to get something by it : you do not go in to the
world to live on the breath of every fool there, but you
reach something out of the world by being let go quietly, if
not with a favourable welcome, among them. I leave here
to go to Wimpole Street : — I want to have as little as possible
to say to the people I find between — but, do you know, if I
allow a foolish child to put the very smallest of fool’s caps
on my head instead of the hat I usually wear, though the
comfort would be considerable in the change, — yet I shall
be followed by an increasing crowd, say to Charing Cross,
and thence pelted, perhaps, till I reach No 50 — there,
perhaps to find the servant hesitate about opening the door
to such an apparition, — and when Papa comes to hear how
illustriously your visitor was attended through the streets !
why he will specially set apart Easter Monday to testify in
person his sense of the sublime philosophy, will he not ? My
Ba — I tell the child on the first symptom of such a wish on
his part ‘ Don’t ! ‘ with all the eloquence in my power — if I
can put it handsomely off my head, even, I will, and with
pitying good nature – but if I must either wear the cap, and
pay the penalty, or — slap his face, why — ! ‘ Ah,’ you say, ‘ but
he has got a pistol that you don’t see and will shoot you
dead like a foolish child as he is.’ That he may ! Have I
to be told that in this world men, foolish or wicked, do
inflict tremendous injuries on their unoffending fellows?
Let God look to it, I say with reverence, and do you look
to this point, where the injury begins. The foolish man
who throws some disfiguring liquid in your face, which to
remove you must have recourse to some dangerous surgical
operation, — perilling himself, too, by the consequent vengeance
of the law, if you sink under knife or cauterizing iron, —
shall I say ‘ the fault is yours — why submit to the operation ?
The fault is his that institutes the very fault — which begin
by teaching him from his cradle in every possible shape !
But don’t, don’t say — ‘ the operation is unnecessary ; your
blistered face will look, does look just as usual, not merely
to me who know you, perhaps love you, — but to the whole
world . . on whose opinion of its agreeableness, I confess
that you are dependent for nearly every happy minute of
your life. ‘ In all this, I speak for the world, not for me —
I have other, too many other sources of enjoyment — I could
easily I think, do what you require. I endeavour to care
for others with none of these ; as dear, dearest Ba, sitting
in her room because of a dull day, would have me take a
few miles’ exercise. Has everybody a Ba ? I had not last
year — yet last year I had reasons, and still have, for, on
occasion, renouncing society fifty times over : what I should
do, therefore, is as improper to be held up for an example,
as the exemplary behaviour of Walpole’s old French officer
of ninety, who ‘ hearing some youths diverting themselves
with some girls in a tent close by, asked, ‘ Is this the example
I set you, gentlemen ? ‘ . But I shall be dishonoured however
— Ba will ‘ go and call the police ‘ — why, so should I for
your brother, in all but the extremest case ! — because when
I had told all the world, with whom the concern solely is,
that, despite his uttermost endeavour, I had done this, — the
world would be satisfied at once — and the whole procedure
is meant to satisfy the world — even the foolishest know that
the lion in a cage, through no fault of his, cannot snap at a fly
outside the bars. The thing to know is, will Ba dictate to
her husband ‘ a refusal to fight,’ and then recommend him
to go to a dinner-party ? Say, ‘ give up the dinner for my
sake,’ if you like — one or the other it must be : you know,
I hate and refuse dinner-parties. Does everybody ?

But now in candour, hear me : I write all this to show
the not such irrationality of the practice even on comparatively frivolous grounds . . and that those individuals to
whom you once admit society may be a legitimate enjoyment, must take such a course to retain the privileges they
value — and that the painful consequences should be as
unhesitatingly attributed to the first offence and its author, —
as the explosion and horror to the fool who would put the
match, in play perhaps, to the powder-barrel. And I
excepted myself from the operation of this necessity. But I
must confess that I can conceive of ‘combinations of
circumstances’ in which I see two things only . . or a
Third : a miscreant to be put out the world, my own arm
and best will to do it ; and,, perhaps, God to excuse ; which
is, approve. My Ba, what is Evil, in its unmistakable
shape, but a thing to suppress at any price ? I do approve
of judicial punishment to death under some circumstances
— I think we may, must say : ‘ when it comes to that we
will keep our pact of life, stand by God and put that out of
us, our world — it shall not be endured, or we shall not be
endured ‘ ! Dear Ba, is Life to become a child’s game ? A. is
wronged, B. rights him, and is a hero as we say ; B. is wronged
again, by C. ; but he must not right himself ; that is D.’s
proper part, who again is to let E. do the same kind office
for him — and so on. ‘ Defend the poor and fatherless ‘ —
and we all applaud — but if they could defend themselves,
why not ? I will not fancy cases — here’s one that strikes
me — a fact. Some soldiers were talking over a watch fire
abroad — one said that once he was travelling in Scotland
and knocked at a cottage-door — an old woman with one
child let him in, gave him a supper and a bed — next
morning he asked how they lived and she said the cow, the
milk of which he was then drinking, and the kale in the
garden, such as he was eating — were all her ‘ mailien ‘ or
sustenance — whereon, rising to go, he, for the fun, ‘ killed
the cow and destroyed the kale ‘ — ‘ the old witch crying out
she should certainly be starved ‘ — then he went his way.
‘ And she was starved, of course,’ said a young man ; ‘ do
you rue it ?’ — The other laughed ‘ Rue aught like that ! ‘
— The young man said, ‘ I was the boy, and that was my
mother — now then ! ‘ — In a minute or two the preparer of
this ‘combination of circumstances’ lay writhing with a
sword through him up to the hilt — ‘ If you had rued it ‘ — the
youth said — ‘ you should have answered it only to God ! ‘

More than enough of this — but I was anxious to stand
clearer in your dear eyes. ‘ Vows and promises ! ‘ — I want to
leave society for the Sirens’ isle, — and now I often seriously
reproach myself with conduct quite the reverse of what you
would guard against : I have too much indifferentism to
the opinions of Mr. Smith and Mr. Brown — by no means
am anxious to have his notions agree with mine. Smith
thinks Cromwell a canting villain, — Brown believes no dissenter
can be saved, — and I repeat Goethe’s ‘ Be it your unerring
rule, ne’er to contradict a fool, for if folly choose to
brave you, all your wisdom cannot save you ! ‘ And sometimes
I help out their arguments by a touch or two, after
Ogniben’s fashion — it all seems so wearisomely unprofitable ;
what comes of Smith’s second thought if you change his
first — out of that second will branch as great an error, you
may be sure ! (11 o’clock) Here comes your letter ! My own
Ba ! My dearest best, best beloved ! I, angry ! ch, how
you misinterpret, misunderstand the motions of my mind !
In all that I said, or write here, I speak of others — others,
if you please, of limited natures : I say why they may be
excused . . that is all. ‘ You do not like pork ‘ ? But those
poor Irish Colliers whose only luxury is bacon once a month ;
you understand them liking it ? I do not value society —
others do : ‘ we are all His children ‘ says Euripides and
quotes Paul.

Now, love, let this be a moot point to settle among the
flowers one day — with Sir Thomas Browne’s ‘ other hard
questions yet not impossible to be solved ‘ (‘ What song the
Sirens sang to Ulysses,’ is the first !) in which blessed hope
let me leave off ; for I confess to having written myself all-but-tired, headachy. But ‘ vexed with you ‘ ! Ba, Ba ; you
perplex me, bewilder me ; let me get right again ; kiss me,
dearest, and all is right — God bless you ever —

Your R.

#303

[Postmark: April 7, 1846]

Tuesday.

They have just sent me one proof, only — so I have
been correcting everything as fast as possible, that, returning
it at once, a revise might arrive, fit to send, for this that
comes is just as bad as if I had let it alone in the first
instance. All your corrections are golden. In ‘ Luria,’ I
alter ‘ little circle ‘ to ‘ circling faces ‘ — which is more like
what I meant. As for that point we spoke of yesterday — it
seems ‘ past praying for ‘ — if I make the speech an ‘ aside,’
I commit Ogniben to that opinion : — did you notice, at the
beginning of the second part, that on this Ogniben’s very
entry (as described by a bystander), he is made to say, for
first speech, ‘ I have known so many leaders of revolts ‘ —
‘ laughing gently to himself ? This, which was wrongly
printed in italics, as if a comment of the bystander’s own,
was a characteristic circumstance, as I meant it. All these
opinions should be delivered with a ‘gentle laughter to
himself — but — as is said elsewhere, — we profess and we
perform ! Enough of it — Meliora sperumus !

What am I to say next, my Ba ? When I write my best
and send ‘ grateful’ to you — you send my proof back,
grateful (h) Then I must do and say what you hate . ,
for I am one entire gratitude to you, God knows ! May
He reward you.

It is late ; bless you once again, my dearest ! You have
nothing so much yours as R.

My mother says that I paid only fifteen or sixteen
pounds for the Venice voyage, and much less for the
Naples one — ten and no more, she thinks — and I think ;
but that represents twenty — as the other, twenty five or
thirty pounds, to a person unconnected with the freighting
party. (In the first ship, Rothschild sent a locomotive entire
with all its appurtenances, for one article, to Trieste). Can
I make enquiries for you ? Nay, I will and at once.

#301

[Postmark: April 6, 1846]

Monday Morning.

I shall receive a note from you presently, I trust — but
this had better go now — for I expect a friend, and must
attend to him as he wants to go walking — so, dearest — .
dearest, take my — last work I ever shall send you, if God
please !

A word about a passage or two, — I had forgotten to say
before — gadge is a real name (in Johnson, too) for a torturing iron — it is part of the horror of such things that they
should be mysteriously named, — indefinitely, — ‘ The Duke
of Exeter’s Daughter ‘ for instance . . Ugh ! — Besides, am
I not a rhymester ?’ Well, who knows but one may want to
use such a word in a couplet with ‘ badge ‘ — which, if one
reject the old and obsolete fadge is rhymeless ?

Then Chiappino remarks that men of genius usually do
the reverse . . of beginning by dethroning &c. and so arriving with utmost reluctancy at the acknowledgment of a
natural and unalterable inequality of Mankind — instead of
that they begin at once he says, by recognizing it in their
adulation &c. &c. — I have supplied the words ‘ atonce and
taken out ‘ virtually which was unnecessary ; so that the
parallel possibly reads clearlier. I know there are other
things to say — but at this moment my memory is at fault.

Can you tell me Mrs Jameson’s address ?

My sea-friend’s opinion is altogether unfavourable to the
notion of an invalid’s trusting himself alone in a merchant
vessel — he says — ‘.it will certainly be the gentleman’s death.’
So very small a degree of comfort can be secured amid all
the inevitable horrors of dirt, roughness, &c. The expenses
are trifling in any case, on that very account. Any number
of the Shipping Gazette (I think) will give a list of all
vessels about to sail, with choice of ports — or on the walls
of the Exchange one may see their names placarded, with
reference to the Agent — or he will, himself, (my friend Chas.
Walton) do his utmost with a shipowner, we both know, and
save some expense, perhaps. I made him remark the difference
between my carelessness of accommodations and an
invalid’s proper attention beforehand — but he persisted in
saying nothing can be done, nothing effectual. My time is
out — but I must bless you my ever dearest Ba — and kiss
you —

Ever your own.

#300

[Postmark: April 6, 1846]ZM, CC

Sunday.

I sent you some even more than usual hasty foolish words,
— not caring much, however — for dearest Ba shall have to
forgive my shortcomings every hour in the day, — it is her
destiny, and I began unluckily with that stupidest of all
notions, — that about the harm coming of genius &c., so I fell
with my subject and we rolled in the mud together — pas vrai?
But there was so many other matters alluded to in
your dearest (because last) letter — there are many things in
which I agree with you to such a tremblingly exquisite exactness, so to speak, that I hardly dare cry out lest the charm
break, the imaginary oscillation prove incomplete and your
soul, now directly over, pass beyond mine yet, and not stay !
Do you understand, dear soul of my soul, dearest Ba ? Oh,
how different it all might be ! In this House of life — where
I go, you go — where I ascend you run before — when I descend
it is after you. Now, one might have a piece of Ba,
but a very little of her, and make it up into a lady and a
mistress, and find her a room to her mind perhaps
when she should sit and sing, ‘ warble eat and dwell ‘ like
Tennyson’s blackbird, and to visit her there with due honour
one might wear the finest of robes, use the courtliest of
ceremonies — and then — after a time, leave her there and
go, the door once shut, without much blame, to throw off
the tunic and put on Lord Compton’s blouse and go whither
one liked — after, to me, the most melancholy fashion in the
world. How different with us ! If it were not, indeed —
what a mad folly would marriage be ! Do you know what
quaint thought strikes me, out of old Bunyan, on this very
subject ? He says (with another meaning though) ‘ Who
would keep a cow, that may buy milk at a penny the quart ‘
— (elegant allusion). Just so, — whoever wants ‘ a quart ‘ of
this other comfort, as solace of whatever it may be (at break-fast or tea time too), why not go and ‘ buy ‘ the same, and
having discussed it, drink claret at dinner at his club?
Why did not Mr. Butler read Fanny Kemble’s verses, paying
his penny of intellectual labour, and see her play ‘ Portia’
at night, and make her a call or ride with her in the middle
of the day — why ‘ keep the cow ‘ ? But — don’t you know
they prescribe to some constitutions the perpetual living in
a cow-house ? the breath, the unremitting influence is everything-
, — not the milk — (now, Ba — Ba is suddenly Ιω πλανωμενη and Mrs. Jameson is the Gadfly — and I am laughed
at — not too cruelly, or the other lock of hair becomes mine —
with which locks . . and not with Louis Seize iron knicknack
ones, I rather think I was occupied last time, last
farewell taking — )

From all which I infer — that I shall see you to-morrow!
Yes, or I should not have the heart to be so glad and
absurd.

Well, to-morrow makes amends — dear, dear Ba ! Why
do you persist in trying to turn my head so ? It does not
turn, I look the more steadfastly at the feet and the ground,
for all your crying and trying ! But something shocking
might happen — would happen, if it were not written that I
am to get nothing but good from Ba, — and who, who began
calling names — who used the word ‘ flatterer ‘ first ?

Bless you my own dearest flatterer — I love you with
heart and soul. Are you downstairs- to day ? it is warm, the
rain you like — yes you are down, I think. God keep you
wherever you are !

Your own.

I went last night to Lord Compton’s father’s Soiree, —
and for all our deep convictions, and philosophic rejoicing,
I assure you that of the two or three words that we interchanged-
— congratulation on the bright fortune of his son
formed no part, — any more than intelligence about ordering
Regiments to India whenever I met the relatives of the
ordered. And yesterday morning I planted a full dozen more
rose-trees, all white — to take away the yellow-rose reproach!
!

#298

[Postmark: April 4, 1846]ZM, CC

Saturday.

Oh, my two letters — and to turn from such letters to
you, to my own Ba ! — I very well know I am not grateful
enough, if there is any grace in that, any power to avert
punishment, as one hopes ! But all my hope is in future
endeavour — it is, my Ba, — this is earnest truth. And one
thing that strikes me on hearing such prognostications of
Mrs. Jameson’s opinion on our subject — is that — as far as I
am concerned . . or yourself, indeed — we must make up
our mind to endure the stress of it, and of such opinions
generally, with all resignation . . and by the time we can
answer, — why, alas, they are gone and forgotten, so that
there’s no paying them for their impertinence. I mean,
that I do not expect as a foolish fanciful boy might, that
on the sudden application of ‘ Hymen’s torch ‘ (to give the
old simile one chance more) your happiness will blaze out
apparent to the whole world lying in darkness, like a
wondrous ‘ Catherine-wheel,’ now all blue, now red, and so
die at the bed amid an universal clapping of hands — I trust
a long life of real work ‘ begun, carried on and ended,’ as it
never otherwise could have been (certainly by me , . . and if
I dare hope, you dearest, it is because you teach me to
aspire to the height) — that the attainment of all that
happiness of daily, hourly life in entire affection, which
seeing that men of genius need rather more — ah, these
words, I cannot look back and take up the thread of the
sentence, — but I wanted to say — we will live the real
answer, will we not, dearest, all the stupidity against ‘ genius ‘
‘ poets,’ and the like, is got past the stage of being treated
with patient consideration and gentle pity — it is too vexatious-
, if it will not lie still, out of the way, by this time.
What is the crime, to his fellow man or woman (not to God,
I know that— these are peculiar sins to Him — whether
greater in His eyes, who shall say ?) — but to mankind, what
is crime which would have been prevented but for the
‘ genius ‘ involved in it ? A man of genius ill-treats his wife
— well, take away the ‘genius’ — does he so naturally
improve? See the article in to-day’s Athenaeum, about
the French Duel — far enough from ‘ men of genius ‘ these
Dujarriers &c. — but go to-night into half the estaminets of
Paris, and see whether the quarrels over dice and some
wine present any more pleasing matter of contemplation
aufond. Sin is sin everywhere and the worse, I think, for
the grossness. Being fired at by a duellist is a little better,
I think also, than being struck on the face by some ruffian.
These are extreme cases — but go higher and it is the same
thing. Poor, cowardly miscreated natures abound — if you
could throw ‘ genius ‘ into their composition, they would
become more degraded still, I suppose !

I know I want every faculty I can by any possibility dare —
want all, and much more, to teach me what you are, my
own Ba, and what I should do to prove that I am taught,
and do know.

I will write at length to you to-morrow, my all beloved.
I am, somehow, overflowing with things to say, and the
time is fearfully short — my proofs have just arrived, here
they are, not even glanced over by me — (To-morrow, love !
not one thing answered in my letters, as when I read and
read them to-night I shall say to myself). Bless you,
dearest, dearest

R.

#296

[Postmark: April 3, 1846]

I want to tell you a thing before I forget it, my own Ba
— a thing that pleased me to find out this morning. A few
days ago there was a paragraph in the newspaper about
Lord Compton and his ways at Rome. His address was to
be read in the general list of working-artists kept for public
inspection at Monaldini’s news-room, and the Earl’s self
was to be found in fraternal association with ‘ young art,’ at
board and sporting-place, wearing the same distinctive
blouse and Louis IL hat with great flaps ; even his hair as
picturesquely disordered as the best of them — (the artists,
not flaps) — at all which the reporter seemed scarcely to
know whether he ought to laugh or cry. This I read in the
Daily News with other gossip about Rome, last Wednesday.
But this morning a Cambridge Advertiser of the same day
reaches me — and there, under the head of College news
(after recording that Mr A. has been appointed to this ‘
vicarage, and Mr B. licensed to the other curacy) — one
finds this — ‘The Earl Compton, M.A. (Hon. 1837) — is of
great fame in Rome as a Painter ! ‘ — which the other
authority wholly forgot to mention ; supposing, no doubt,
all the love went to the blouse and flapped hat aforesaid !
Now, is it not a good instance of that fascination which the
true life at Rome (apart from the stupidities of the travelling
English) exercises every now and then on susceptible
people ? The best thing for an English Earl to do, — (who
will be a Marquis one day) — would be to stay here and
vindicate his title by honest work with the opportunities it .
affords him — but if he cannot rise to the dignity of the best
part, surely this, he chooses, is better than many others —
being caught as some noblemen were yesterday, for instance,
superintending a dog-fight in some horrible den of thieves
in St. Giles’s. I don’t know, after all, why I tell you this, —
but that amid all the dull doings of the notable dull ones
there, and their ‘ honours ‘ — (such a wonder of a man was
Smith’s prize-man, — another had got to be gloriously first
in the Classical Tripos) — this bit of ‘fame at Rome’
seemed like a break of blue real sky with a star in it, shining
through the canvas sham clouds and oil-paper moons of
a theatre.

Now I get to you, my Ba ! How strange ! It does so
happen that I took the pen and laid out the paper with, I
really think, a completer, deeper yearning of love to you
than usual even — I seemed to have a thousand things that
I could say now — and on touching the paper . . see — I
start off with a foolish story and still foolisher comment as
if there were no Ba close at my head all the time, straight
before my eyes too ! So it is with me — I give the expressing
part up at once ! It must be understood, inferred, —
(proved, never !) All nonsense, so I will stay — and try to
be wise to-morrow — now, I have no note to guide me and
half put into my mouth what I ought to say. So, dear,
dear Ba, goodbye ! I very well know what this letter is
worth — yet because of the love and endeavour unseen, may
I not have the hand to kiss — and without the glove ? It is
kissed, whether you give it or no, — for there are two long
days more to wait — and then comes Monday ! Bless you
till then, and ever, my dearest : My own Ba —

Your R.

#294

[Postmark: April 1, 1846]

Now — dear, dearest Ba — let’ me begin the only way ! —
And so you are kissed whether you feel it or not — through the
distance, what matter? Dear love, I return from town —
my writing has gone away — you remain, and we are together
— as I said, it would be, so it is ! And here is your letter,
and here are recollections of all the letters for so long, all
the perfect kindnesses which I did not answer, meaning to
answer them one day — and, one day, look to receive (I may
write you) a huge sheetful of answers to bygone interrogatories, — sins of omission remedied according to ability
— and you will stare like a man, I read of somewhere, who
asked his neighbour ‘ how he fed that mule of his, so as to
keep it in such good case?’ — and then, struck by some
other fancy, went on to talk of other matters till the day’s
end — when, on alighting at their Inn (for these two were
journeying, and the talk began with the stirrup-cup) — the
other, who had been watching his opportunity, breaking
silence for the first time, answered — ‘ With oats and hay.’
Observe that the only part of the story I parallel is the surprise-
at the end — for I am not going to get whipped before
I deserve, Aminè (Ba mine). At all events I will answer this
last dear note. The ‘good’ you do me, I see you cannot
see nor understand yet — there is my answer ! Here, in
this instance, I corrected everything, — altered, improved
Did you notice the alterations (curtailments) in ‘ Luria ‘ ?
Well, I put in a few phrases in the second part of the other,
— where Ogniben speaks — and hope that they give a little
more insight as to his character — which I meant for that of
a man of wide speculation and narrow practice, — universal
understanding of men and sympathy with them, yet professionally-
restricted claims for himself, for his own life.
There, was the theology to have come in ! He should have
explained, ‘ the belief in a future state, with me, modifies
every feeling derivable from this present life — I consider
that as dependent on foregoing this — consequently, I may
see that your principles are perfectly right and proper to be
embraced so far as concerns this world, though I believe there
is an eventual gain, to be obtained elsewhere, in either
opposing or disregarding them, — in not availing myself of
the advantages they procure.’ Do you see ? — as a man may
not choose to drink wine, for his health’s sake, or from a
scruple of conscience &c. — and yet may be a good judge of
what wine should be, how it ought to taste — something like
this was meant — and when it is forgotten almost, and only the
written thing with a shadow of the meaning stays, — you wonder
that the written thing gets to look better in time ? Do you
think if I could forget you, Ba, I should not reconcile myself to
your picture — which already I love better than yesterday —
and which, to revenge, I know I shall by this time to-morrow
like less, so far less. Well, and then there is Domizia — I
could not bring her to my purpose. I left the neck stiff that
was to have bowed of its own accord — for nothing graceful
could be accomplished by pressing with both hands on the
head above ! I meant to make her leave off her own projects
through love of Luria. As it is, they in a manner fulfil themselves, so far as she has any power over them, and then, she
being left unemployed, sees Luria, begins to see him,
having hitherto seen only her own ends which he was to
further. Oh, enough of it ! I have told you, and tell
you and will tell you, my Ba, because it is simple truth, —
that you have been ‘ helping ‘ me to cover a defeat, not gain
a triumph. If I had not known yousofar these works might
have been the better : — as assuredly, the greater works, I
trust will follow, — they would have suffered in proportion !
If you take a man from prison and set him free . . do you
not probably cause a signal interruption to his previously
all ingrossing occupation, and sole labour of love, of carving
bone-boxes, making chains of cherry-stones, and other such
time-beguiling operations — does he ever take up that
business with the old alacrity? No ! But he begins
ploughing, building — (castles he makes, no bone-boxes now).
I may plough and build — but there, — leave them as they
are !

Here an end till to-morrow — my best dearest. I am
very well to-day — I forgot to say anything yesterday. You
did not go down-stairs, for all your good intentions, I hope
— this morning I mean : observe how the days are made —
the mornings are warm and sunny — after gets up such a
wind as now howls — what a sound ! The most melancholy
in the whole world I think.

No — I can’t do what I had set down — keep my remonstrance and upbraiding on the Homer-subject till
to-morrow and then speak arrows. What do you mean, Ba,
by ‘remembering’ those lines you give me — have you no
more written down, Quite happy and original they are —
but to-morrow this is waited for — dearest, bless you ever !

your R.