#553

[Postmark: September 10, 1846]

Thursday Morning.

What do you expect this letter will be about, my own dearest ? Those which I write on the mornings after our days seem naturally to answer any strong point brought out in the previous discourse, and not then completely disposed of . . so they generally run in the vile fashion of a disputatious ‘ last word ‘ ; ‘ one word yet ‘ – do not they ? Ah, but you should remember that never does it feel so intolerable, – the barest fancy of a possibility of losing you – as when I have just seen you and heard you and, alas – left you for a time ; on these occasions, it seems so horrible – that if the least recollection of a fear of yours, or a doubt . . . anything which might be nursed, or let grow quietly into a serious obstacle to what we desire – if that rises up threateningly, – do you wonder that I begin by attacking it? There are always a hundred deepest reasons for gratitude and love which I could write about, but which my after life shall prove I never have forgotten . . still, that very after-life depends perhaps on the letter of the morning reasoning with you, teazing, contradicting. Dearest Ba, I do not tell you that I am justified in plaguing you thus, at any time . . only to get your pardon, if I can, on the grounds – the true grounds.

And this pardon, if you grant it, shall be for the past offences, not for any fresh one I mean to commit now. I will not add one word to those spoken yesterday about the extreme perilousness of delay. You give me yourself. Hitherto, from the very first till this moment, the giving hand has been advancing steadily – it is not for me to grasp it lest it stop within an inch or two of my forehead with its crown.

I am going to Town this morning, and will leave off now.

What a glorious dream ; through nearly two years – without a single interval of blankness, – much less, bitter waking !

I may say that, I suppose, safely through whatever befalls !

Also I will ever say, God bless you, my dearest dearest, – my perfect angel you have been ! While I am only your R.

My mother is deeply gratified at your present.

12 o’clock On returning I find your note,

‘ I will do as you wish – understand ‘ – then I understand you are in earnest. If you do goon Monday, our marriage will be impossible for another year – the misery ! You see what we have gained by waiting. We must be married directly and go to Italy. I will go for a licence to-day and we can be married on Saturday. I will call to-morrow at 3 and arrange everything with you. We can leave from Dover &c., after that, – but otherwise, impossible ! Inclose the ring, or a substitute – I have not a minute to spare for the post.

Ever your own R.

#550

[Postmark: September 8, 1846]

Tuesday Morning.

Do you think your wishes, much less your blessings, fall to the ground, my own Ba ? Here is your letter, and here am I writing to you, ‘clothed and in my proper’ room.

My doctor bade me ‘ get up and do as I pleased ‘ – and the perfect pleasure is to say, I may indeed see you to-morrow, dearest, dearest ! Can you look as you look in this letter ? So entirely my own, and yet, – what should never be my own, by right . . such a treasure to one so little worthy !

I have only a few minutes to say this, – the dressing and talking having taken up the time. To-morrow shall repay me !

The lightness, slight uneasiness of the head, continues, though the general health is much better, it seems.

Do you doubt I shall be well in Italy? But I must leave off. Bless you as you have blessed me, my best, dearest Ba, me who am your very own R.

#548

[Postmark: September 7, 1846]

Monday Morning.

I had the greatest mind, when your letter came – (the most welcome of all letters – so much more than I could expect !) – to get up at once and be well in your dearest eyes or through them – but I checked myself and thought that I ought to be contented with one such a letter through whole long weeks of annoyance, instead of one day more.

I am delighted to know Flush is with you, if I am not. Did you remember my petition about him ? But, dearest, it was very imprudent to go to those disgusting wretches yourself – they have had a pretty honour without knowing it !

Here I lie with a dizzy head – unable to read more than a page or two . . there is something in the unwonted position that tires me – but whenever the book is left off, I turn to the dark side of the room and see you, my very own Ba, – and so I am soon better and able to try again.

How hot, and thunder-like this oppressive air ! And you who are affected by such weather ? Tell me, my dearest dearest, all you can tell me – since the real lips and eyes are away.

Bless you, my beloved. Remember, I count upon seeing you on Wednesday at farthest.

Your own R.

#546

[Postmark: September 7, 1846]

Sunday Afternoon.

No, dearest, I am not to see you to-morrow for all the happiness of the permission ! It seems absurd, but perhaps the greater absurdity would be a refusal to submit, under circumstances. You shall hear – I got up with the old vertiginousness, or a little worse – and so, as I had in that case determined, went to consult my doctor. He thinks he finds the root of the evil and can remove it, ‘ if I have patience enough ‘ – so I promised . . expecting something worthy that preamble – whereas I am bidden go to bed and keep there for a day or two – from this Sunday till Wednesday morning – taking nothing but a sip of medicine I can’t distinguish from water, thrice a day – and milk at discretion – no other food ! The mild queerness of it is amusing, is it not ? ‘ And for this fine piece of self-denial,’ says he, ‘ you shall be quite well by the week’s end.’ – ‘ But may I go to town on Wednesday ? ‘ – ‘ Yes.’ –

Now, Ba, my own Ba, you know how often I have to sorrowfully disclaim all the praises your dearest kindness would attach to me ; this time, if you will praise me a little for obeying you, I will take the praise – for the truth of truths is, that I said at once to myself ‘ – have I a right to avoid anything which promises to relieve Her from this eternal account of aches and pains ?”‘ So here am I writing, leaning on my elbow, in bed, – as I never wrote before I think – and perhaps my head is a little better, or I fancy so. Mind, I may read, or write, – only in bed I must lie, because there is some temperature to be kept up in the skin, or some other cause as good – ‘ for reasons, for reasons.’

‘The milk,’ answers Ba, is exactly to correct the superabundant gall of bitterness which overflowed lately about Flush. So it is, my own Ba – and for Flush, the victim of a principle, he is just saved from a sickness by cakes I meditated as a joy-offering on his safe return. Will you, among the other kisses, give him one for me? And save yet another for your own R.

How I shall need your letters, dearest !

#543

[Postmark: September 5, 1846]

Saturday.

Dearest Ba, I feel your perfect goodness at my heart – I can say nothing.

Nor write very much more : my head still teazes, rather than pains me. Don’t lay more of it to the dinner than necessary : I got my sister to write a letter deprecatory of all pressing to eat and drink and such mistaken hospitality – to the end that I might sit unpitied, uncondoled with, and be an eyesore to nobody – which succeeded so well that I eat some mutton and drank wine and water without let or molestation. Our party was reduced to three, by a couple of defections – but there was an immense talking and I dare say this continuance of my ailment is partly attributable to it. I shall be quiet now. I tell you the simple truth, that you may believe – and this also believe, that it would have done me great good to go to you this morning, – if I could lean my head on your neck, what could pain it, dear dear Ba ?

I am sorry poor Flush is not back again – very sorry. But no one would hurt him, be quite sure . . his mere value prevents that.

Shall I see you on Monday then? This is the first time since we met at the beginning, that a whole week, from a Sunday to a Saturday, has gone by without a day for us. Well – I trust you are constant . . nay you are constant to your purpose of leaving at the end of this month. When we meet next, let us talk of our business, like the grave man and woman we are going to become. Mr. K. will be away – how fortunate this is ! We need implicate nobody. And in the end the reasonableness of what we do will be apparent to everybody – if I can show you well and happy, – which God send !

Kiss me as I kiss you, my own Ba. I am all one wide wonder at your loving nature : I can only give it the like love in return, and as much limited as I am limited. But I seem really to grow under you, – my faculties extend toward yours.

May God bless you, and enable me to make you as happy as your dear generous heart will be contented to be made. I am your own R.

#541

[Postmark: September 4, 1846]

Friday Morning.

You dearest, best Ba, I will say at the beginning of the letter, and not at the end, this time, that I am very much better – my head clear from pain, if a little uncertain – I was in the garden when your letter came. The worst is, that I am really forced to go and dine out to-day – but I shall take all imaginable care and get away early . . and be ready to go and see you at a minute’s notice, should a note signify your permission to-morrow . . if Mr. Kenyon’s visit is over, for instance. I have to attribute this effect to that abstinent system of yours. Depend on it, I shall be well and continue well now.

Dear Ba, I wrote under the notion (as I said) that poor Flush was safe by your side ; and only took that occasion to point at what I must still consider the wrongness of the whole system of giving way to, instead of opposing, such proceedings. I think it lamentable weakness . . though I can quite understand and allow for it in you, – but weakness it essentially is, as you know perfectly. For see, you first put the matter in the gentlest possible light . . ‘ who would give much time and trouble to the castigation of such a fellow as that ! ‘ You ask – and immediately after, for another purpose, you very rightly rank this crime with that other enormous one, of the Spanish banditti – nay, you confess that, in this very case, any such injury to Flush as you dread would give you inexpressible grief. Is the threatening this outrage then so little a matter ? Am I to think it a less matter if the same miscreant should strike you in the street because you would probably suffer less than by this that he has done ? There is the inevitable inconsistency of wrong reasoning in all this. Say, as I told you on another subject, – ‘ I determine to resist no injury whatever, to be at the disposal of any villain in the world, trusting to God for protection here or recompense hereafter ‘ – or take my course ; which is the easier, and in the long run, however strangely it may seem, the more profitable, no one can doubt – but I take the harder – in all but the responsibility – which, without any cant, would be intolerable to me. Look at this ‘ society ‘ with its ‘ four thousand a year ‘ – which unless its members are perfect fools they will go on to double and treble – would this have existed if a proper stand had been made at the beginning ? The first silly man, woman or child who consented to pay five shillings, beyond the mere expense of keeping the dog (on the supposition of its having been found, not stolen), is responsible for all the harm – what could the thief do but go and steal another, and ask double for its ransom ?

And see – dog-stealers so encouraged are the lowest of the vile – can neither write nor read, perhaps. One of the fraternity possesses this knowledge, however, and aims higher. Accordingly, instead of stealing your dog, he determines to steal your character ; if a guinea (at the beginning) ransoms the one, ten pounds shall ransom the other ; accordingly Mr. Barnard Gregory takes pen in hand and writes to some timid man, in the first instance, that unless he receives that sum, his character will be blasted. The timid man takes your advice . . says that the ‘ love of an abstract principle ‘ must not run him into ‘ cruel hazards ‘ ‘ for the sake of a few guineas ‘ – so he pays them – who would bother himself with such vermin as Gregory ? So Gregory receives his pay for his five minutes’ penmanship – takes down a directory, and writes five hundred such letters. Serjeant Talfourd told me, counting them on his fingers, ‘ such and such ‘ (naming them) cut their throats after robbing their families, employers &c., such fled the country – such went mad . . that was the commonest event.’ At last, even so poor a creature as the Duke of Brunswick, with his detestable character and painted face, – even he plucks up courage and turns on Gregory, grown by this time into a really formidable monster by these amiable victims to the other principle of easy virtue, – and the event is that this execrable ‘ Abhorson’s ‘ trade is utterly destroyed – that form of atrocious persecution exists no longer. I am in no danger of being told, at next post delivery, that having been ‘ tracked up Vere Street, down Bond Street, &c.’ into Wimpole Street my character and yours will be the subject of an article in the next Satirist unless ‘ . .

To all of which you have a great answer – ‘ What should I do if you were to be the victim ? ‘ That my note yesterday, the second one, told you. I sacrifice myself . . all that belongs to me – but there are some interests which I belong to – I have no right, no more than inclination, in such a case, to think of myself if your safety is concerned, and as I could cut off a limb to save my head, so my head should fall most willingly to redeem yours . . I would pay every farthing I had in the world, and shoot with my own hand the receiver of it after a chase of fifty years – esteeming that to be a very worthy recompense for the trouble.

But why write all this string of truisms about the plainest thing in the world? All reformers are met at the outset by such dissuasion from their efforts. ‘ Better suffer the grievance and get off as cheaply as you [can] – You, Mahomet, – what if the Caaba be only a black stone ? You need only bow your head as the others, and make any inward remark you like on the blindness of the people. You, Hampden, have you really so little wit as to contest payment of a paltry 20s. at such risk ? ‘

Ah, but here all the fuss is just about stealing a dog – two or three words, and the matter becomes simply ludicrous – very easily got rid of ! One cannot take vengeance on the ‘ great man ‘ with his cigar and room of pictures and burlesque dignities of mediation ! Just so, when Robert was inclined to be sorry for the fate of Bertha’s sister, one can fancy what a relief and change would be operated in his feelings, if a good-natured friend send him a version of his mighty crime in Lord Rochester’s funny account of ‘ forsaken damsels ‘ . . with the motto ‘ Women have died ere now and worms have eaten them – but not for love – ‘ or ‘ At lovers’ perjuries Jove laughs ‘ why, Robert is a ‘ lady-killer ‘ like D’Orsay ! Well, enough of sermonizing for the present ; it is impossible for me to differ with you and treat that as a light matter . . or, what on earth would have been so little to wonder at, as that, loving Flush, you should determine to save him at any price ? If ‘ Chiappino ‘ were to assure you, in terms that you could not disbelieve, that in the event of your marrying me he would destroy himself, – would you answer, as I should, ‘ Do so, and take the consequences,’ – and think no more about the matter? I should absolutely leave it, as not my concern but God’s – nor should blame myself any more than if the poor man, being uncertain what to do, had said ‘If a man first passes the window – yes – if a woman – no ‘ and I, a total stranger, had passed.

One word more – in all this, I labour against the execrable policy of the world’s husbands, fathers, brothers, and domineerers in general. I am about to marry you . . how wise, then, to encourage such a temper in you ! such was that divine Griselda’s – a word rules the gentle nature – ‘ Do this, or . . . .’

My own Ba, if I thought you could fear me, I think I should have the courage to give you up to-morrow !

Because to-day I am altogether yours, and you are my very own – and to-morrow never comes, they say. Bless you, my best dearest Ba – and if you think I deserve it, you shall test the excellence of those slippers on my cheek, (and not the flannelled side, neither), the next happy time I see you . . which will be soon, soon, I trust ! who am more than

ever your own R.

#539

[Postmark: September 4, 1846]

Thursday Afternoon.

When I had finished that letter this morning, dearest dearest, before I could seal it, even, (my sister did it for me . . and despatched it to the post at once) I became quite ill and so sick as to be forced to go up-stairs and throw myself on the bed. It is now six o’clock, and I feel better, and have some thoughts of breaking my fast to-day – but, first of all . . did whatever it may have been I wrote seem cross – unnecessarily angry, to you, dearest Ba? Because, I confess to having felt indignant at this sample of the evils done under the sun every day . . . and as if it would be to no purpose though the whole world were peopled with Ba’s, instead of just Wimpole Street ; as they would be just so many more soft cushions for the villainously-disposed to run pins into at their pleasure. Donne says that ‘ Weakness invites, but silence feasts oppression.’ And it is horrible to fancy how all the oppressors in their several ranks may, if they choose, twitch back to them by the heartstrings after various modes the weak and silent whose secret they have found out. No one should profit by those qualities in me, at least. Having formed a resolution, I would keep it, I hope, through fire and water, and the threatener of any piece of rascality, who (as commonly happens) should be without the full heart to carry it into effect, should pay me exactly the same for the threat . . which had determined my conduct once and for ever. But in this particular case, I ought to have told you (unless you divined it, as you might) that I would give all I am ever to be worth in the world to get back your Flush for you – for your interest is not mine, any more than the lake is the river that goes to feed it, – mine is only made to feed yours – I am yours, as we say – as I feel more and more every minute.

Are you not mine, too ? And do you not forgive your own R

#538

[Postmark: September 3, 1846]

Thursday.

I am rejoiced that poor Flush is found again, dearest – altogether rejoiced.

And now that you probably have him by your side, I will tell you what I should have done in such a case, because it explains our two ways of seeing and meeting oppression lesser or greater. I would not have given five shillings on that fellow’s application. I would have said, – and in entire earnestness ‘ You are responsible for the proceedings of your gang, and you I mark – don’t talk nonsense to me about cutting off heads or paws. Be as sure as that I stand here and tell you, I will spend my whole life in putting you down, the nuisance you declare yourself – and by every imaginable means I will be the death of you and as many of your accomplices as I can discover – but you I have discovered and will never lose sight of – now try my sincerity, by delaying to produce the dog by to-morrow. And for the ten pounds – see ! ‘ Whereupon I would give them to the first beggar in the street. You think I should receive Flush’s head ? Perhaps – so God allows matters to happen ! on purpose, it may be, that I should vindicate him by the punishment I would exact.

Observe, Ba, this course ought not to be yours, because it could not be – it would not suit your other qualities. But all religion, right and justice, with me, seem implied in such a resistance to wickedness and refusal to multiply it a hundredfold – for from this prompt payment of ten pounds for a few minutes’ act of the easiest villainy, there will be encouragement to – how many similar acts in the course of next month ? And how will the poor owners fare who have not money enough for their dogs’ redemption ? I suppose the gentleman, properly disgusted with such obstinacy, will threaten roasting at a slow fire to test the sincerity of attachment ! No – the world would grow too detestable a den of thieves and oppressors that way ! And this is too great a piece of indignation to be expressed when one has the sick vile headache that oppresses me this morning. Dearest, I am not inclined to be even as tolerant as usual. Will you be tolerant, my Ba, and forgive me – till to-morrow at least – when, what with physic, what with impatience, I shall be better one way or another ?

Ever your own R.

#536

[Postmark: September 2, 1846]

Wednesday Morning.

Poor Flush – how sorry I am for you, my Ba ! But you will recover him, I dare say . . not, perhaps directly ; the delay seems to justify their charge at the end : poor fellow – was he no better than the rest of us, and did all that barking and fanciful valour spend itself on such enemies as Mr. Kenyon and myself, leaving only blandness and waggings of the tail for the man with the bag ? I am sure you are grieved and frightened for our friend and follower, that was to be, at Pisa – will you not write a special note to tell me when you get him again ?

For the rest – I will urge you no more by a single word – you shall arrange everything henceforward without a desire on my part, – an expressed one at least. Do not let our happiness be caught up from us, after poor Flush’s fashion – there may be no redemption from that peril.

There can hardly be another way of carrying our purpose into effect than by that arrangement you consent to – except you choose to sacrifice a day and incur all costs of risk. Of course, the whole in the way and with the conditions that you shall determine.

Do you think, Ba, I apprehend nothing from the excitement and exhaustion attendant on it ? I altogether apprehend it, – and am therefore the more anxious that no greater difficulty should be superinduced than is absolutely necessary. Because the first part of our adventure will be dangerous in that way, I want the second part to be as safe as possible in another. I should care comparatively little about winter-travelling, even (knowing that one can take precautions) – if it were to be undertaken under really propitious circumstances, and you set forth with so much kindness to carry away as would keep you warm for a week or two – but the ‘ winter wind that is not so unkind as &c.,’ may prove, – by adding its share of unkindness to the greater, – intolerable. Now, my last word is said, however – and a kiss follows !

I thank you, dearest, for your enquiries about my mother ; and for the sympathy, and proposal of delay. She is better this morning, I hope. From the time that my sister went to Town, she discontinued the exercise which does her such evident good – and on Monday the walk began again – with no great effect yesterday because of the dull weather and sharp wind . . she kept at home – but this morning she is abroad, and will profit by this sunshine, I hope. My head will not get quite well, neither. I take both effects to be caused by the turn of the year.

Bless you, dearest – I cannot but acquiesce in your postponing our day for such reasons. Only, do not misconceive those few foolish words of impatience . . a great matter to bear truly ! I shall be punished indeed if they prevent you from according to me one hour I should have otherwise possessed.

Bless you once again, my Ba.

My mother is returned – very much better indeed. Remember Flush – to write.

#534

[Postmark: September 1, 1846]

Dearest, when your letter kept away, all this morning, I never once fancied you might be angry . . I knew you must feel the love which produced the fear. And I will lay to my heart the little, gentlest blame that there is, in the spirit which dictated it. I know, my own Ba, your words have given me the right to doubt nothing from your generosity – but it is not the mere bidding . . no, at the thousandth repetition – which can make me help myself to all that treasure which you please to call mine : I shall perhaps get used to the generosity and readier to profit by it.

I have not time to write much ; all is divinely kind of you, and I love you for forgiving me.

You could not leave at an early hour under those circumstances . . the moment I become aware of them, I fully see that.

Ah, but, Ba, am I so to blame for not taking your diamonds, while you disclaim a right over my pebbles even ? May I ‘ withdraw from the business ‘ ? &c., &c.

Kiss me, and do not say that again – and I will say you are ‘ my own,’ as I always say, – my very own !

As for ‘ sarcasms ‘ and the rest – I shall hardly do other than despise what will never be said to me, for the best of reasons – except where is to be exception. I never objected to such miserable work as that – and the other day, my annoyance was not at anything which might be fancied, by Mr. Kenyon or anybody else, but at what could not but be plainly seen – it was a fact, and not a fancy, that our visit was shortened &c., &c.

All which is foolish to think of – I will think of you and a better time.

You do not tell me how you are, Ba – and I left you with a headache. Will you tell me ? And the post may come in earlier to-morrow, – at all events I will write at length . . not in this haste. And our day ? When before have I been without a day, a fixed day, to look forward to?

Bless you, my dearest beloved –

Your own R.

I am pretty well to-day – not too well. My mother is no better than usual ; we blame the wind, with or without reason. See this scrawl ! Could anything make me write legibly, I wonder?

Ba.

BA.

βα.

Ba, Ba, Ba.