Month: March 2018

Tuesday Morning.

March 10, 1846.

Dear, dear Ba, if you were here I should not much speak to you, not at first  – – nor, indeed, at last,  – – but as it is, sitting alone, only words can be spoken, or (worse) written, and, oh how different to look into the eyes and imagine what might be said, what ought to be said, though it never can be  – – and to sit and say and write, and only imagine who looks above me, looks down, understanding and pardoning all! My love, my Ba, the fault you found once with some expressions of mine about the amount of imperishable pleasures already hoarded in my mind, the indestructible memories of you; that fault, which I refused to acquiesce under the imputation of, at first, you remember  – – well, what a fault it was, by this better light! If all stopped here and now; horrible! complete oblivion were the thing to be prayed for, rather! As it is, now, I must go on, must live the life out, and die yours. And you are doing your utmost to advance the event of events,  – – the exercise, and consequently (is it not?) necessarily improved sleep, and the projects for the fine days, the walking  . . . a pure bliss to think of! Well, now  – – I think I shall show seamanship of a sort, and ‘try another tack’  – – do not be over bold, my sweetest; the cold is considerable,  – – taken into account the previous mildness. One ill-advised (I, the adviser, I should remember!) too early, or too late descent to the drawing-room, and all might be ruined,  – – thrown back so far  . . . seeing that our flight is to be prayed for ‘not in the winter’  – – and one would be called on to wait, wait  – – in this world where nothing waits, rests, as can be counted on. Now think of this, too, dearest, and never mind the slowness, for the sureness’ sake! How perfectly happy I am as you stand by me, as yesterday you stood, as you seem to stand now!

I will write to-morrow more: I came home last night with a head rather worse; which in the event was the better, for I took a little medicine and all is very much improved to-day. I shall go out presently, and return very early and take as much care as is proper  – – for I thought of Ba, and the sublimities of Duty, and that gave myself airs of importance, in short, as I looked at my mother’s inevitable arrow-root this morning. So now I am well; so now, is dearest Ba well? I shall hear to-night  . . . which will have its due effect, that circumstance, in quickening my retreat from Forster’s Rooms. All was very pleasant last evening  – – and your letter &c. went à qui de droit, and Mr. W. Junior had to smile good-naturedly when Mr. Burges began laying down this general law, that the sons of all men of genius were poor creatures  – – and Chorley and I exchanged glances after the fashion of two Augurs meeting at some street-corner in Cicero’s time, as he says. And Mr. Kenyon was kind, kinder, kindest, as ever, ‘and thus ends a wooing’!  – – no, a dinner  – – my wooing ends never, never; and so prepare to be asked to give, and give, and give till all is given in Heaven! And all I give you is just my heart’s blessing; God bless you, my dearest, dearest Ba!

 

Tuesday Morning.

March 10, 1846.

Now I shall know what to believe when you talk of very bad and very indifferent doings of yours. Dearest, I read your ‘Soul’s Tragedy’ last night and was quite possessed with it, and fell finally into a mute wonder how you could for a moment doubt about publishing it. It is very vivid, I think, and vital, and impressed me more than the first act of ‘Luria’ did, though I do not mean to compare such dissimilar things, and for pure nobleness ‘Luria’ is unapproachable — will prove so, it seems to me. But this ‘Tragedy’ shows more heat from the first, and then, the words beat down more closely  . . . well! I am struck by it all as you see. If you keep it up to this passion, if you justify this high key-note, it is a great work, and worthy of a place next ‘Luria.’ Also do observe how excellently balanced the two will be, and how the tongue of this next silver Bell will swing from side to side. And you to frighten me about it. Yes, and the worst is (because it was stupid in me) the worst is that I half believed you and took the manuscript to be something inferior — for you — and the adviseableness of its publication, a doubtful case. And yet, after all, the really worst is, that you should prove yourself such an adept at deceiving! For can it be possible that the same

‘Robert Browning’

who (I heard the other day) said once that he could ‘wait three hundred years,’ should not feel the life of centuries in this work too — can it be? Why all the pulses of the life of it are beating in even my ears!

Tell me, beloved, how you are — I shall hear it to-night — shall I not? To think of your being unwell, and forced to go here and go there to visit people to whom your being unwell falls in at best among the secondary evils! — makes me discontented — which is one shade more to the uneasiness I feel. Will you take care, and not give away your life to these people? Because I have a better claim than they  . . . and shall put it in, if provoked  . . . shall. Then you will not use the shower-bath again — you promise? I dare say Mr. Kenyon observed yesterday how unwell you were looking — tell me if he didn’t! Now do not work, dearest! Do not think of Chiappino, leave him behind  . . . he has a good strong life of his own, and can wait for you. Oh — but let me remember to say of him, that he and the other personages appear to me to articulate with perfect distinctness and clearness  . . . you need not be afraid of having been obscure in this first part. It is all as lucid as noon.

Shall I go down-stairs to-day? ‘No’ say the privy-councillors, ‘because it is cold,’ but I shall go peradventure, because the sun brightens and brightens, and the wind has gone round to the west.

George had come home yesterday before you left me, but the stars were favourable to us and kept him out of this room. Now he is at Worcester — went this morning, on those never ending ’rounds,’ poor fellow, which weary him I am sure.

And why should music and the philosophy of it make you ‘melancholy,’ ever dearest, more than the other arts, which each has the seal of the age, modifying itself after a fashion and to one? Because it changes more, perhaps. Yet all the Arts are mediators between the soul and the Infinite,  . . . shifting always like a mist, between the Breath on this side, and the Light on that side  . . . shifted and coloured; mediators, messengers, projected from the Soul, to go and feel, for Her, out there!

You don’t call me ‘kind’ I confess — but then you call me ‘too kind’ which is nearly as bad, you must allow on your part. Only you were not in earnest when you said that, as it appeared afterward. Were you, yesterday, in pretending to think that I owed you nothing  . . . I?

May God bless you. He knows that to give myself to you, is not to pay you. Such debts are not so paid.

Yet I am your

Ba.

People’s Journal for March 7th.

 

Saturday Morning.

March 7, 1846.

You call me ‘kind’; and by this time I have no heart to call you such names  – – I told you, did I not once? that ‘Ba’ had got to convey infinitely more of you to my sense than ‘dearest,’ ‘sweetest,’ all or any epithets that break down with their load of honey like bees  – – to say you are ‘kind,’ you that so entirely and unintermittingly bless me,  – – it will never do now, ‘Ba.’ All the same, one way there is to make even ‘Ba’ dearer,  – – ‘my Ba,’ I say to myself!

About my fears  – – whether of opening doors or entering people  – – one thing is observable and prevents the possibility of any misconception  – – I desire, have been in the habit of desiring, to increase them, far from diminishing  – – they relate, of course, entirely to you  – – and only through you affect me the least in the world. Put your well-being out of the question, so far as I can understand it to be involved,  – – and the pleasure and pride I should immediately choose would be that the whole world knew our position. What pleasure, what pride! But I endeavour to remember on all occasions  – – and perhaps succeed in too few  – – that it is very easy for me to go away and leave you who cannot go. I only allude to this because some people are ‘naturally nervous’ and all that  – – and I am quite of another kind.

Last evening I went out  – – having been kept at home in the afternoon to see somebody  . . . went walking for hours. I am quite well to-day and, now your letter comes, my Ba, most happy. And, as the sun shines, you are perhaps making the perilous descent now, while I write  – – oh, to meet you on the stairs! And I shall really see you on Monday, dearest? So soon, it ought to feel, considering the dreary weeks that now get to go between our days! For music, I made myself melancholy just now with some ‘Concertos for the Harpsichord by Mr. Handel’  – – brought home by my father the day before yesterday;  – – what were light, modern things once! Now I read not very long ago a French memoir of ‘Claude le Jeune’ called in his time the Prince of Musicians,  – – no, ‘Phoenix‘  – – the unapproachable wonder to all time  – – that is, twenty years after his death about  – – and to this pamphlet was prefixed as motto this startling axiom  – – ‘In Music, the Beau Ideal changes every thirty years’  – – well, is not that true? The Idea, mind, changes  – – the general standard  . . . so that it is no answer that a single air, such as many one knows, may strike as freshly as ever  – – they were not according to the Ideal of their own time  – – just now, they drop into the ready ear,  – – next hundred years, who will be the Rossini? who is no longer the Rossini even I remember  – – his early overtures are as purely Rococo as Cimarosa’s or more. The sounds remain, keep their character perhaps  – – the scale’s proportioned notes affect the same, that is,  – – the major third, or minor seventh  – – but the arrangement of these, the sequence the law  – – for them, if it should change every thirty years! To Corelli nothing seemed so conclusive in Heaven or earth as this

I don’t believe there is one of his sonatas wherein that formula does not do duty. In these things of Handel that seems replaced by

 – – that was the only true consummation! Then,  – – to go over the hundred years,  – – came Rossini’s unanswerable coda:

which serves as base to the infinity of songs, gone, gone  – – so gone by! From all of which Ba draws this ‘conclusion’ that these may be worse things than Bartoli’s Tuscan to cover a page with!  – – yet, yet the pity of it! Le Jeune, the Phoenix, and Rossini who directed his letters to his mother as ‘mother of the famous composer’  – – and Henry Lawes, and Dowland’s Lute, ah me!

Well, my conclusion is the best, the everlasting, here and I trust elsewhere  – – I am your own, my Ba, ever your

R.

 

Friday Evening.

March 7, 1846.

Always you, is it, who torments me? always you? Well! I agree to bear the torments as Socrates his persecution by the potters: — and by the way he liked those potters, as Plato shows, and was fain to go to them for his illustrations  . . . as I to you for all my light. Also, while we are on the subject, I will tell you another fault of your Bartoli  . . . his ‘choice Tuscan’ filled one of my pages, in the place of my English better than Tuscan.

For the letter you mentioned, I meant to have said in mine yesterday, that I was grateful to you for telling me of it — that was one of the prodigalities of your goodness to me  . . . not thrown away, in one sense, however superfluous. Do you ever think how I must feel when you overcome me with all this generous tenderness, only beloved! I cannot say it.

Because it is colder to-day I have not been down-stairs but let to-morrow be warm enough — facilis descensus. There’s something infernal to me really, in the going down, and now too that our cousin is here! Think of his beginning to attack Henrietta the other day . . .. ‘So Mr. C. has retired and left the field to Surtees Cook. Oh  . . . you needn’t deny  . . . it’s the news of all the world except your father. And as to him, I don’t blame you — he never will consent to the marriage of son or daughter. Only you should consider, you know, because he won’t leave you a shilling, &c. &c . . ..’ You hear the sort of man. And then in a minute after  . . . ‘And what is this about Ba?’ ‘About Ba’ said my sisters, ‘why who has been persuading you of such nonsense?’ ‘Oh, my authority is very good, — perfectly unnecessary for you to tell any stories, Arabel, — a literary friendship, is it?’  . . . and so on  . . . after that fashion! This comes from my brothers of course, but we need not be afraid of its passing beyond, I think, though I was a good deal vexed when I heard first of it last night and have been in cousinly anxiety ever since to get our Orestes safe away from those Furies his creditors, into Brittany again. He is an intimate friend of my brothers besides the relationship, and they talk to him as to each other, only they oughtn’t to have talked that, and without knowledge too.

I forgot to tell you that Mr. Kenyon was in an immoderate joy the day I saw him last, about Mr. Poe’s ‘Raven’ as seen in the Athenæum extracts, and came to ask what I knew of the poet and his poetry, and took away the book. It’s the rhythm which has taken him with ‘glamour’ I fancy. Now you will stay on Monday till the last moment, and go to him for dinner at six.

Who ‘looked in at the door?’ Nobody. But Arabel a little way opened it, and hearing your voice, went back. There was no harm — is no fear of harm. Nobody in the house would find his or her pleasure in running the risk of giving me pain. I mean my brothers and sisters would not.

Are you trying the music to charm the brain to stillness? Tell me. And keep from that ‘Soul’s Tragedy’ which did so much harm — oh, that I had bound you by some Stygian oath not to touch it.

So my rock  . . . may the birds drop into your crevices the seeds of all the flowers of the world — only it is not for those, that I cling to you as the single rock in the salt sea.

Ever I am

Your own.

 

Friday Morning.

March 6, 1846.

I am altogether your own, dearest  – – the words were only words and the playful feelings were play  – – while the fact has always been so irresistibly obvious as to make them break on and off it, fantastically like water turning to spray and spurts of foam on a great solid rock. Now you call the rock, a rock, but you must have known what chance you had of pushing it down when you sent all those light fancies and free-leaves, and refusals-to-hold-responsible, to do what they could. It is a rock; and may be quite barren of good to you,  – – not large enough to build houses on, not small enough to make a mantelpiece of, much less a pedestal for a statue, but it is real rock, that is all.

It is always I who ‘torment’ you  – – instead of taking the present and blessing you, and leaving the future to its own cares. I certainly am not apt to look curiously into what next week is to bring, much less next month or six months, but you, the having you, my own, dearest beloved, that is as different in kind as in degree from any other happiness or semblance of it that even seemed possible of realization. Then, now, the health is all to stay, or retard us  – – oh, be well, my Ba!

Let me speak of that letter  – – I am ashamed at having mentioned those circumstances, and should not have done so, but for their insignificance  – – for I knew that if you ever did hear of them, all any body would say would not amount to enough to be repeated to me and so get explained at once. Now that the purpose is gained, it seems little worth gaining. You bade me not send the letter: I will not.

As for ‘what people say’  – – ah  – – Here lies a book, Bartoli’s ‘Simboli’ and this morning I dipped into his Chapter XIX. His ‘Symbol’ is ‘Socrate fatto ritrar su’ Boccali’ and the theme of his dissertating, ‘L’indegnità del mettere in disprezzo i più degni filosofi dell’antichità.’ He sets out by enlarging on the horror of it  – – then describes the character of Socrates, then tells the story of the representation of the ‘Clouds,’and thus gets to his ‘symbol’  – – ‘le pazzie fatte spacciare a Socrate in quella commedia  . . . il misero in tanto scherno e derisione del pubblico, che perfino i vasai dipingevano il suo ritratto sopra gli orci, i fiaschi, i boccali, e ogni vasellamento da più vile servigio. Così quel sommo filosofo  . . . fu condotto a far di se par le case d’Atene una continua commedia, con solamente vederlo comparir così scontraffatto e ridicolo, come i vasai sel formavano d’invenzione’  – –

There you have what a very clever man can say in choice Tuscan on a passage in Ælian which he takes care not to quote nor allude to, but which is the sole authority for the fact. Ælian, speaking of Socrates’ magnanimity, says that on the first representation, a good many foreigners being present who were at a loss to know ‘who could be this Socrates’  – – the sage himself stood up that he might be pointed out to them by the auditory at large  . . . ‘which’ says Ælian  – – ‘was no difficulty for them, to whom his features were most familiar,  – – the very potters being in the habit of decorating their vessels with his likeness‘  – – no doubt out of a pleasant and affectionate admiration. Yet see how ‘people’ can turn this out of its sense,  – – ‘say’ their say on the simplest, plainest word or deed, and change it to its opposite! ‘God’s great gift of speech abused’ indeed!

But what shall we hear of it there, my Siren?

On Monday  – – is it not? Who was it looked into the room just at our leave-taking?

Bless you, my ever dearest,  – – remember to walk, to go down-stairs  – – and be sure that I will endeavour to get well for my part. To-day I am very well  – – with this letter!

Your own.

 

Thursday.

March 6, 1846.

Ever dearest I lose no time in writing, you see, so as to be written to at the soonest — and there is another reason which makes me hasten to write  . . . it is not all mercantile calculation. I want you to understand me.

Now listen! I seem to understand myself: it seems to me that every word I ever said to you on one subject, is plainly referable to a class of feelings of which you could not complain  . . . could not. But this is my impression; and yours is different: — you do not understand, you do not see by my light, and perhaps it is natural that you should not, as we stand on different steps of the argument. Still I, who said what I did, for you, and from an absorbing consideration of what was best for you, cannot consent, even out of anxiety for your futurity, to torment you now, to vex you by a form of speech which you persist in translating into a want of trust in you  . . . (I, want trust in you!!) into a need of more evidence about you from others  . . . (could you say so?) and even into an indisposition on my part to fulfil my engagement — no, dearest dearest, it is not right of you. And therefore, as you have these thoughts reasonably or unreasonably, I shall punish you for them at once, and ‘chain’ you  . . . (as you wish to be chained), chain you, rivet you — do you feel how the little fine chain twists round and round you? do you hear the stroke of the riveting? and you may feel that too. Now, it is done — now, you are chained — Bia has finished the work — I, Ba! (observe the anagram!) and not a word do you say, of Prometheus, though you have the conscience of it all, I dare say. Well! you must be pleased,  . . . as it was ‘the weight of too much liberty’ which offended you: and now you believe, perhaps, that I trust you, love you, and look to you over the heads of the whole living world, without any one head needing to stoop; you must, if you please, because you belong to me now and shall believe as I choose. There’s a ukase for you! Cry out  . . . repent  . . . and I will loose the links, and let you go again — shall it be ‘My dear Miss Barrett?’

Seriously, you shall not think of me such things as you half said, if not whole said, to-day. If all men were to speak evil of you, my heart would speak of you the more good — that would be the one result with me. Do I not know you, soul to soul? should I believe that any of them could know you as I know you? Then for the rest, I am not afraid of ‘toads’ now, not being a child any longer. I am not inclined to mind, if you do not mind, what may be said about us by the benevolent world, nor will other reasons of a graver kind affect me otherwise than by the necessary pain. Therefore the whole rests with you — unless illness should intervene — and you will be kind and good (will you not?) and not think hard thoughts of me ever again — no. It wasn’t the sense of being less than you had a right to pretend to, which made me speak what you disliked — for it is I who am ‘unworthy,’ and not another — not certainly that other!

I meant to write more to-night of subjects farther off us, but my sisters have come up-stairs and I must close my letter quickly. Beloved, take care of your head! Ah, do not write poems, nor read, nor neglect the walking, nor take that shower-bath. Will you, instead, try the warm bathing? Surely the experiment is worth making for a little while. Dearest beloved, do it for your own

Ba.

 

Wednesday Morning.

March 4, 1846.

Ah, sweetest, don’t mind people and their lies any more than I shall; if the toad does ‘take it into his toad’s head to spit at you’  – – you will not ‘drop dead,’ I warrant. All the same, if one may make a circuit through a flower-bed and see the less of his toad-habits and general ugliness, so much the better  – – no words can express my entire indifference (far below contempt) for what can be said or done. But one thing, only one, I choose to hinder being said, if I can  – – the others I would not if I could  – – why prevent the toad’s puffing himself out thrice his black bigness if it amuses him among those wet stones? We shall be in the sun.

I dare say I am unjust  – – hasty certainly, in the other matter  – – but all faults are such inasmuch as they are ‘mistakes of the intellect’  – – toads may spit or leave it alone,  – – but if I ever see it right, exercising my intellect, to treat any human beings like my ‘chattels’  – – I shall pay for that mistake one day or another, I am convinced  – – and I very much fear that you would soon discover what one fault of mine is, if you were to hear anyone assert such a right in my presence.

Well, I shall see you to-morrow  – – had I better come a little later, I wonder?  – – half-past three, for instance, staying, as last time, till  . . . ah, it is ill policy to count my treasure aloud! Or shall I come at the usual time to-morrow? If I do not hear, at the usual time!  – – because, I think you would  – – am sure you would have considered and suggested it, were it necessary.

Bless you, dearest  – – ever your own.

I said nothing about that Mr. Russell and his proposition  – – by all means, yes  – – let him do more good with that noble, pathetic ‘lay’  – – and do not mind the ‘burthen,’ if he is peremptory  – – so that he duly specify ‘by the singer‘  – – with that precaution nothing but good can come of his using it.

 

Tuesday Evening.

March 4, 1846.

Yes, but, dearest, you mistake me, or you mistake yourself. I am sure I do not over-care for forms — it is not my way to do it — and in this case  . . . no. Still you must see that here is a fact as well as a form, and involving a frightful quantity of social inconvenience (to use the mildest word) if too hastily entered on. I deny altogether looking for, or ‘seeing’ any ‘security’ in it for myself — it is a mere form for the heart and the happiness: illusions may pass after as before. Still the truth is that if they were to pass with you now, you stand free to act according to the wide-awakeness of your eyes, and to reform your choice  . . . see! whereas afterward you could not carry out such a reformation while I was alive, even if I helped you. All I could do for you would be to walk away. And you pretend not to see this broad distinction? — ah. For me I have seen just this and no more, and have felt averse to forestall, to seem to forestall even by an hour, or a word, that stringency of the legal obligation from which there is in a certain sense no redemption. Tie up your drinker under the pour of his nine gallons, and in two minutes he will moan and writhe (as you perfectly know) like a Brinvilliers under the water-torture. That he asked to be tied up, was unwise on his own principle of loving ale. And you sha’n’t be ‘chained’ up, if you were to ask twenty times: if you have found truth or not in the water-well.

You do not see aright what I meant to tell you on another subject. If he was displeased, (and it was expressed by a shadow a mere negation of pleasure) it was not with you as a visitor and my friend. You must not fancy such a thing. It was a sort of instinctive indisposition towards seeing you here — unexplained to himself, I have no doubt — of course unexplained, or he would have desired me to receive you never again, that would have been done at once and unscrupulously. But without defining his own feeling, he rather disliked seeing you here — it just touched one of his vibratory wires, brushed by and touched it — oh, we understand in this house. He is not a nice observer, but, at intervals very wide, he is subject to lightnings — call them fancies, sometimes right, sometimes wrong. Certainly it was not in the character of a ‘sympathising friend’ that you made him a very little cross on Monday. And yet you never were nor will be in danger of being thanked, he would not think of it. For the reserve, the apprehension — dreadful those things are, and desecrating to one’s own nature — but we did not make this position, we only endure it. The root of the evil is the miserable misconception of the limits and character of parental rights — it is a mistake of the intellect rather than of the heart. Then, after using one’s children as one’s chattels for a time, the children drop lower and lower toward the level of the chattels, and the duties of human sympathy to them become difficult in proportion. And (it seems strange to say it, yet it is true) love, he does not conceive of at all. He has feeling, he can be moved deeply, he is capable of affection in a peculiar way, but that, he does not understand, any more than he understands Chaldee, respecting it less of course.

And you fancy that I could propose Italy again? after saying too that I never would? Oh no, no — yet there is time to think of this, a superfluity of time,  . . . ‘time, times and half a time’ and to make one’s head swim with leaning over a precipice is not wise. The roar of the world comes up too, as you hear and as I heard from the beginning. There will be no lack of ‘lying,’ be sure — ‘pure lying’ too — and nothing you can do, dearest dearest, shall hinder my being torn to pieces by most of the particularly affectionate friends I have in the world. Which I do not think of much, any more than of Italy. You will be mad, and I shall be bad  . . . and that will be the effect of being poets! ‘Till when, where are you?’ — why in the very deepest of my soul — wherever in it is the fountain head of loving! beloved, there you are!

Some day I shall ask you ‘in form,’ — as I care so much for forms, it seems, — what your ‘faults’ are, these immense multitudinous faults of yours, which I hear such talk of, and never, never, can get to see. Will you give me a catalogue raisonnée of your faults? I should like it, I think. In the meantime they seem to be faults of obscurity, that is, invisible faults, like those in the poetry which do not keep it from selling as I am so, so glad to understand. I am glad too that Mr. Milnes knows you a little.

Now I must end, there is no more time to-night. God bless you, very dearest! Keep better  . . . try to be well — as I do for you since you ask me. Did I ever think that you would think it worth while to ask me that? What a dream! reaching out into the morning! To-day however I did not go down-stairs, because it was colder and the wind blew its way into the passages: — if I can to-morrow without risk, I will,  . . . be sure  . . . be sure. Till Thursday then! — till eternity!

‘Till when, where am I,’ but with you? and what, but yours

Your

Ba.

I have been writing ‘autographs’ (save my mark) for the North and the South to-day  . . . the Fens, and Golden Square. Somebody asked for a verse,  . . . from either ‘Catarina’ or ‘Flush’  . . . ‘those poems’ &c. &c.! Such a concatenation of criticisms. So I preferred Flush of course — i.e. gave him the preferment.

 

Tuesday.

March 3, 1846.

First and most important of all,  – – dearest, ‘angry’  – – with you, and for that! It is just as if I had spoken contemptuously of that Gallery I so love and so am grateful to  – – having been used to go there when a child, far under the age allowed by the regulations  – – those two Guidos, the wonderful Rembrandt of Jacob’s vision, such a Watteau, the triumphant three Murillo pictures, a Giorgione music-lesson group, all the Poussins with the ‘Armida’ and ‘Jupiter’s nursing’  – – and  – – no end to ‘ands’  – – I have sate before one, some one of those pictures I had predetermined to see, a good hour and then gone away  . . . it used to be a green half-hour’s walk over the fields. So much for one error, now for the second like unto it; what I meant by charging you with seeing, (not, not ‘looking for’)  – – seeing undue ‘security’ in that, in the form,  – – I meant to say ‘you talk about me being ‘free’ now, free till then, and I am rather jealous of the potency attributed to the form, with all its solemnity, because it is a form, and no more  – – yet you frankly agree with me that that form complied with, there is no redemption; yours I am then sure enough, to repent at leisure &c. &c.’ So I meant to ask, ‘then, all now said, all short of that particular form of saying it, all goes for comparatively nothing’? Here it is written down  – – you ‘wish to suspend all decisions as long as possible’  – – that form effects the decision, then,  – – till then, ‘where am I’? Which is just what Lord Chesterfield cautions people against asking when they tell stories. Love, Ba, my own heart’s dearest, if all is not decided now  – – why  – – hear a story, à propos of storytelling, and deduce what is deducible. A very old Unitarian minister met a still older evangelical brother  – – John Clayton (from whose son’s mouth I heard what you shall hear)  – – the two fell to argument about the true faith to be held  – – after words enough, ‘Well,’ said the Unitarian, as winding up the controversy with an amicable smile  – – ‘at least let us hope we are both engaged in the pursuit of Truth!’  – – ‘Pursuit do you say?’ cried the other, ‘here am I with my years eighty and odd  – – if I haven’t found Truth by this time where is my chance, pray?’ My own Ba, if I have not already decided, alas for me and the solemn words that are to help! Though in another point of view there would be some luxurious feeling, beyond the ordinary, in knowing one was kept safe to one’s heart’s good by yet another wall than the hitherto recognised ones. Is there any parallel in the notion I once heard a man deliver himself of in the street  – – a labourer talking with his friends about ‘wishes‘  – – and this one wished, if he might get his wish, ‘to have a nine gallon cask of strong ale set running that minute and his own mouth to be tied under it’  – – the exquisiteness of the delight was to be in the security upon security,  – – the being ‘tied.’ Now, Ba says I shall not be ‘chained’ if she can help!

But now  – – here all the jesting goes. You tell me what was observed in the ‘moment’s’ visit; by you, and (after, I suppose) by your sisters. First, I will always see with your eyes there  – – next, what I see I will never speak, if it pain you; but just this much truth I ought to say, I think. I always give myself to you for the worst I am,  – – full of faults as you will find, if you have not found them. But I will not affect to be so bad, so wicked, as I count wickedness, as to call that conduct other than intolerable  – – there, in my conviction of that, is your real ‘security’ and mine for the future as the present. That a father choosing to give out of his whole day some five minutes to a daughter, supposed to be prevented from participating in what he, probably, in common with the whole world of sensible men, as distinguished from poets and dreamers, consider every pleasure of life, by a complete foregoing of society  – – that he, after the Pisa business and the enforced continuance, and as he must believe, permanence of this state in which any other human being would go mad  – – I do dare say, for the justification of God, who gave the mind to be used in this world,  – – where it saves us, we are taught, or destroys us,  – – and not to be sunk quietly, overlooked, and forgotten; that, under these circumstances, finding  . . . what, you say, unless he thinks he does find, he would close the door of his house instantly; a mere sympathizing man, of the same literary tastes, who comes good-naturedly, on a proper and unexceptionable introduction, to chat with and amuse a little that invalid daughter, once a month, so far as is known, for an hour perhaps,  – – that such a father should show himself ‘not pleased plainly,’ at such a circumstance  . . . my Ba, it is shocking! See, I go wholly on the supposition that the real relation is not imagined to exist between us. I so completely could understand a repugnance to trust you to me were the truth known, that, I will confess, I have several times been afraid the very reverse of this occurrence would befall; that your father would have at some time or other thought himself obliged, by the usual feeling of people in such cases, to see me for a few minutes and express some commonplace thanks after the customary mode (just as Capt. Domett sent a heap of unnecessary thanks to me not long ago for sending now a letter now a book to his son in New Zealand  – – keeping up the spirits of poor dear Alfred now he is cut off from the world at large)  – – and if this had been done, I shall not deny that my heart would have accused me  – – unreasonably I know but still, suppression, and reserve, and apprehension  – – the whole of that is horrible always! But this way of looking on the endeavour of anybody, however humble, to just preserve your life, remedy in some degree the first, if it was the first, unjustifiable measure,  – – this being ‘displeased’  – – is exactly what I did not calculate upon. Observe, that in this only instance I am able to do as I shall be done by; to take up the arms furnished by the world, the usages of society  – – this is monstrous on the world’s showing! I say this now that I may never need recur to it  – – that you may understand why I keep such entire silence henceforth.

Get but well, keep but as well, and all is easy now. This wonderful winter  – – the spring  – – the summer  – – you will take exercise, go up and down stairs, get strong. I pray you, at your feet, to do this, dearest! Then comes Autumn, with the natural expectations, as after rouge one expects noir: the likelihood of a severe winter after this mild one, which to prevent, you reiterate your demand to go and save your life in Italy, ought you not to do that? And the matters brought to issue, (with even, if possible, less shadow of ground for a refusal than before, if you are well, plainly well enough to bear the voyage) there I will bid you ‘be mine in the obvious way’  – – if you shall preserve your belief in me  – – and you may in much, in all important to you. Mr. Kenyon’s praise is undeserved enough, but yesterday Milnes said I was the only literary man he ever knew, tenax propositi, able to make out a life for himself and abide in it  – – ‘for,’ he went on, ‘you really do live without any of this titillation and fussy dependence upon adventitious excitement of all kinds, they all say they can do without.’ That is more true  – – and I intend by God’s help to live wholly for you; to spend my whole energies in reducing to practice the feeling which occupies me, and in the practical operation of which, the other work I had proposed to do will be found included, facilitated  – – I shall be able  – – but of this there is plenty time to speak hereafter  – – I shall, I believe, be able to do this without even allowing the world to very much misinterpret  – – against pure lying there is no defence, but all up to that I hope to hinder or render unimportant  – – as you shall know in time and place.

I have written myself grave, but write to me, dear, dearest, and I will answer in a lighter mood  – – even now I can say how it was yesterday’s hurry happened. I called on Milnes  – – who told me Hanmer had broken a bone in his leg and was laid up, so I called on him too  – – on Moxon, by the way, (his brother telling me strangely cheering news, from the grimmest of faces, about my books selling and likely to sell  . . . your wishes, Ba!)  – – then in Bond Street about some business with somebody, then on Mrs. Montagu who was out walking all the time, and home too. I found a letter from Mr. Kenyon, perfectly kind, asking me to go on Monday to meet friends, and with yours to-day comes another confirming the choice of the day. How entirely kind he is!

I am very well, much better, indeed  – – taking that bath with sensibly good effect, to-night I go to Montagu’s again; for shame, having kept away too long.

And the rest shall answer yours  – – dear! Not ‘much to answer?’ And Beethoven, and Painting and  – – what is the rest and shall be answered! Bless you, now, my darling  – – I love you, ever shall love you, ever be your own.

 

Monday Evening.

March 3, 1846.

Upon the whole, I think, I am glad when you are kept in town and prevented from writing what you call ‘much’ to me. Because in the first place, the little from you, is always much to me — and then, besides, the letter comes, and with it the promise of another! Two letters have I had from you to-day, ever dearest! How I thank you! — yes, indeed! It was like yourself to write yesterday  . . . to remember what a great gap there would have been otherwise, as it looked on this side — here. The worst of Saturday is (when you come on it) that Sunday follows — Saturday night bringing no letter. Well, it was very good of you, best of you!

For the ‘analyzing’ I give it up willingly, only that I must say what altogether I forgot to say in my last letter, that it was not I, if you please, who spoke of the chrystals breaking away! And you, to quote me with that certainty! “The chrystals are broken off,” you say.’ I say!! When it was in your letter, and not at all in mine!!

The truth is that I was stupid, rather, about the Dulwich collection — it was my fault. I caught up the idea of the gallery out of a heap of other thoughts, and really might have known better if I had given myself a chance, by considering.

Mr. Kenyon came to-day, and has taken out a licence, it seems to me, for praising you, for he praised and praised. Somebody has told him (who had spent several days with you in a house with a large library) that he came away ‘quite astounded by the versatility of your learning’ — and that, to complete the circle, you discoursed as scientifically on the training of greyhounds and breeding of ducks as if you had never done anything else all your life. Then dear Mr. Kenyon talked of the poems; and hoped, very earnestly I am sure, that you would finish ‘Saul’ — which you ought to do, must do — only not now. By the way Mrs. Coleridge had written to him to enquire whether you had authority for the ‘blue lilies,’ rather than white. Then he asked about ‘Luria’ and ‘whether it was obscure’; and I said, not unless the people, who considered it, began by blindfolding themselves.

And where do you think Mr. Kenyon talks of going next February — a long while off to be sure? To Italy of course. Everybody I ever heard of seems to be going to Italy next winter. He visits his brother at Vienna, and ‘may cross the Alps and get to Pisa’ — it is the shadow of a scheme — nothing certain, so far.

I did not go down-stairs to-day because the wind blew and the thermometer fell. To-morrow, perhaps I may. And you, dearest dearest, might have put into the letters how you were when you wrote them. You might — but you did not feel well and would not say so. Confess that that was the reason. Reason or no reason, mention yourself to-morrow, and for the rest, do not write a long letter so as to increase the evil. There was nothing which I can remember as requiring an answer in what I wrote to you, and though I will have my letter of course, it shall be as brief as possible, if briefness is good for you — now always remember that. Why if I, who talk against ‘Luria,’ should work the mischief myself, what should I deserve? I should be my own jury directly and not recommend to mercy  . . . not to mine. Do take care — care for me just so much.

And, except that taking care of your health, what would you do for me that you have not done? You have given me the best of the possible gifts of one human soul to another, you have made my life new, and am I to count these things as small and insufficient? Ah, you know, you know that I cannot, ought not, will not.

May God bless you. He blesses me in letting me be grateful to you as your Ba.