[Postmark: April 1, 1846]
Now — dear, dearest Ba — let’ me begin the only way ! —
And so you are kissed whether you feel it or not — through the
distance, what matter? Dear love, I return from town —
my writing has gone away — you remain, and we are together
— as I said, it would be, so it is ! And here is your letter,
and here are recollections of all the letters for so long, all
the perfect kindnesses which I did not answer, meaning to
answer them one day — and, one day, look to receive (I may
write you) a huge sheetful of answers to bygone interrogatories, — sins of omission remedied according to ability
— and you will stare like a man, I read of somewhere, who
asked his neighbour ‘ how he fed that mule of his, so as to
keep it in such good case?’ — and then, struck by some
other fancy, went on to talk of other matters till the day’s
end — when, on alighting at their Inn (for these two were
journeying, and the talk began with the stirrup-cup) — the
other, who had been watching his opportunity, breaking
silence for the first time, answered — ‘ With oats and hay.’
Observe that the only part of the story I parallel is the surprise-
at the end — for I am not going to get whipped before
I deserve, Aminè (Ba mine). At all events I will answer this
last dear note. The ‘good’ you do me, I see you cannot
see nor understand yet — there is my answer ! Here, in
this instance, I corrected everything, — altered, improved
Did you notice the alterations (curtailments) in ‘ Luria ‘ ?
Well, I put in a few phrases in the second part of the other,
— where Ogniben speaks — and hope that they give a little
more insight as to his character — which I meant for that of
a man of wide speculation and narrow practice, — universal
understanding of men and sympathy with them, yet professionally-
restricted claims for himself, for his own life.
There, was the theology to have come in ! He should have
explained, ‘ the belief in a future state, with me, modifies
every feeling derivable from this present life — I consider
that as dependent on foregoing this — consequently, I may
see that your principles are perfectly right and proper to be
embraced so far as concerns this world, though I believe there
is an eventual gain, to be obtained elsewhere, in either
opposing or disregarding them, — in not availing myself of
the advantages they procure.’ Do you see ? — as a man may
not choose to drink wine, for his health’s sake, or from a
scruple of conscience &c. — and yet may be a good judge of
what wine should be, how it ought to taste — something like
this was meant — and when it is forgotten almost, and only the
written thing with a shadow of the meaning stays, — you wonder
that the written thing gets to look better in time ? Do you
think if I could forget you, Ba, I should not reconcile myself to
your picture — which already I love better than yesterday —
and which, to revenge, I know I shall by this time to-morrow
like less, so far less. Well, and then there is Domizia — I
could not bring her to my purpose. I left the neck stiff that
was to have bowed of its own accord — for nothing graceful
could be accomplished by pressing with both hands on the
head above ! I meant to make her leave off her own projects
through love of Luria. As it is, they in a manner fulfil themselves, so far as she has any power over them, and then, she
being left unemployed, sees Luria, begins to see him,
having hitherto seen only her own ends which he was to
further. Oh, enough of it ! I have told you, and tell
you and will tell you, my Ba, because it is simple truth, —
that you have been ‘ helping ‘ me to cover a defeat, not gain
a triumph. If I had not known yousofar these works might
have been the better : — as assuredly, the greater works, I
trust will follow, — they would have suffered in proportion !
If you take a man from prison and set him free . . do you
not probably cause a signal interruption to his previously
all ingrossing occupation, and sole labour of love, of carving
bone-boxes, making chains of cherry-stones, and other such
time-beguiling operations — does he ever take up that
business with the old alacrity? No ! But he begins
ploughing, building — (castles he makes, no bone-boxes now).
I may plough and build — but there, — leave them as they
are !
Here an end till to-morrow — my best dearest. I am
very well to-day — I forgot to say anything yesterday. You
did not go down-stairs, for all your good intentions, I hope
— this morning I mean : observe how the days are made —
the mornings are warm and sunny — after gets up such a
wind as now howls — what a sound ! The most melancholy
in the whole world I think.
No — I can’t do what I had set down — keep my remonstrance and upbraiding on the Homer-subject till
to-morrow and then speak arrows. What do you mean, Ba,
by ‘remembering’ those lines you give me — have you no
more written down, Quite happy and original they are —
but to-morrow this is waited for — dearest, bless you ever !
your R.