#327

[Postmark: April 23, 1846]

Dear, dear Ba, I was never very ill, and now am very
much better, quite well, indeed. I mean to co-operate
with your wishes, and my doctor’s doings, which are luckily
gentle enough, — and so, how should I fail of bringing into
subjection this restive, ill-conditioned head of mine ?

This morning I have walked to town and back — leaving
myself barely time to write — but just before going out, I
got your letter, for which I was waiting ; and the joy of it,
the entire delight, carried me lightly out and in again. Ah,
my own Ba, — of the two ‘ extravagances which you never
write nor speak,’ — after all, if I must, I concede the praises
and eagle-soaring and, and — because, if I please, I can say,
if you do persist in making me, ‘ why, it may be so, — how
should I know, or Ba not know ? ‘ And as a man may
suppose himself poor and yet be rightful owner to a wonder-
ful estate somewhere (in novels &c) — so, I, the intellectually
poor &c &c — But, dearest, if you say ‘ My letters
tire you’ —— say that again — and then what unknown
gadge ought to stop the darling mouth ? How does honey
dew bind up the rose from opening ? Moreover it is one
peculiarity of my mind that it loses no pleasure, — must not
forego the former for the latter pleasure. How shall I ex-
plain ? I believe that, when I should have been your
husband for years, — years — if I were separated from you for
a day and a letter came — I think my heart would move to it
just as it now does — because now, when I see you, know
what that blessing is — still the very oldest first flutter of
delight at ‘ Miss Barrett’s ‘ writing it is all here, all !

Shall my heart flutter, then, to-morrow, my dear dear
heart’s heart ? And it shall be not April when I read it
your letter — but June and May — if it tells me you are well,
as I am well — now, if I say that, can you doubt what I
consider my present state ? But be better, dear Ba, and
make me better — I should like to breathe and move and
live by your allowance and pleasure — being your very very
own

R.B.

I see this morning a characteristic piece of news in the
paper. President Polk, with an eye to business, gets his
brother, a tall gaunt hungry man, appointed Ambassador to
Naples — why not? So he arrives a year ago, — finds the
Neapolitans speak Italian, or else French, or else German
— that is, the Diplomatic Body at Naples don’t speak
English — on which discovery, Polk secundus sees he may
as well amuse himself, so goes to Paris for half a year, —
then to Rome where he is now, seeing sights — who could
tell the Italians were not able to talk English ? Is not that
American entirely ? Carlyle told me of an American who
was commissioned by some learned body of his countrymen
to ask two questions . . ‘What C.’s opinion was as to
a future state?’ — and next ‘ what relation Goethe was to
Goethe’s mother’s husband ? ‘ —

#326

[Postmark: April 23, 1846]

Then seriously you are not well, since you went for the
medical advice after all ! that is the thought which is upper-
most as the effect of your letter, though I ought to be
grateful to you (and am !) for remembering to keep your
promise, made two months ago. But how can I help
thinking that you are ill . . help knowing that you felt very
ill before you came to consider that promise ? You did
feel very ill . . now did you not ? And I see in this letter
that you are not well — I see plainly, plainly ! Have you
been using the shower-bath? tell me: — and tell me how
you are — do not keep back anything. For the rest, you will
submit to the advice, you say, and you mean to submit, I
think, my own very dearest — remember that all my light
comes, not only through you, but from you, let it be April
light or November light. I say that for you. As for myself,
when I am anxious about you, it is not, I hope, for such a
reason as that my light comes from you. Before I had any
light, . . before I knew you so . . do I not remember how
Mr. Kenyon with that suggestive shake of the head and
grave dropping of the voice, when he came and told me with
other news, of your being ill, . . made me wonderfully
unhappy and restless till I could not help writing for a
directer account? Oh, those strange days to look back
upon, . . which had no miraculous light, yet were strange
days, with their ‘ darkness which might be felt ‘ and was
felt !

You will be careful, . . will you not ? . . in these ? I
am not happy about you, to-night. I feel as if you are worse
perhaps than you say. And it does you so much good to
keep talking about this misgiving and that misgiving ! — the
‘ trente-six oies ‘ are nothing at all to me, really.

For those two letters, it was far from any intention of
mine that you should have them both together, — and the
first-written went to the post at two on the day before. Too
bad it is ! I obserye that you never get a letter on the day
it is posted, unless the posting is very early, . . say before
eight, or, at latest, before nine. Which is abominable, when
the distance is considered.

And you make a piteous case out for yourself against me,
indeed, . . and it seems very hard to have to endure so
much, ‘ forty-nine days out of fifty ‘ . . . I did not think it
was so bad with you ! And when you protest gently on the
fiftieth day . . so gently . . so gently ! ! Well, the fact is
that you forget perhaps what sort of a gentle protestation it was,
you wrote to me on Sunday, you who protest so gently, and
never flatter ! And as for having your own ‘ praises blown
in your eyes ‘ for forty-nine days together, I cannot confess
to the iniquity of it, . . you mistake, you mistake, as well as
forget — only that I will not vex you and convict you too
much now that you are not well. So we shall have peace,
shall we not ? on each side. I never write extravagances —
ah, but we will not write of them, even. Any more letters
about * Luria ? *

Yes — All day to-day in the gondola chair ! There was
no leaving this room for the cold wind, and it made me feel
so tired without my taking a step scarcely, that after dinner
. . guess what I did, and save me the shame of relating ?
after dinner, my dinner at one oclock, I positively fell
fast asleep with this pen in my hand, and went to see you
in a dream I dare say, though, this time, I do not remember.
Then I half expected Miss Bayley, and she did not come,
and instead of talking to her I wrote letters to ‘ all the
peoples ‘ . . I hate writing letters, how I hate it now, except
to you only. And to-day I thought only of you, let me write
ever so away from you. Which is why you saw me in the
gondola chair.

But you are not well — the ‘ refrain ‘ comes round con-
stantly — call it a burden ! May God bless you, dearest
beloved ! Do you say harm of this April, when it is the
best April I ever saw, let it be proved to want the vulgar
sun and blue sky as much as you please ! Yet you are not
well ! say how you are ! I come clear out of the mist to
call myself

Your very own

Ba.