[Postmark: May 5, 1846]
Yes, you were right, my Ba — our meeting was on the
20th of last May : the next letter I received was the 14th
and that ran in my head, no doubt, yesterday. You must
have many such mistakes to forgive in me when I under-
take to talk and ‘ stare ‘ at the same time . . well for me if
they are no more serious mistakes !
I referred to my letters — and found much beside the
date to reflect on. I will tell you. Would it not be perilous
in some cases, — many cases — to contrast the present with
the very early Past : the first time, even when there is
abundant fruit, with the dewy springing and blossoming ?
One would confess to a regret at the vanishing of that
charm, at least, if it were felt to be somehow vanished out
of the present. And, looking upon our experience as if it
were another’s, — undoubtedly the peril seems doubled —
with that five months’ previous correspondence . . only
then, — after all the curiosity, and hope and fear, — the first
visit to come ! And after, — shortly after, — you know —
the heightened excitement that followed . . I should not
believe in the case of another, — or should not have believed,
— that the strange delight could last . . no more than I
should think it reasonable to wonder, or even grieve, that it
did not last — so long as other delights came in due succes-
sion. Now, hear the truth ! I never, God knows, felt
the joy of being with you as I felt it yesterday — the fruit
of my happiness has grown under the blossom, lifting it and
keeping it as a coronet — not one feeling is lost, and the new
feelings are infinite. Ah, my Ba, can you wonder if I seem
less inclined to see the adorable kindness in those pro-
visions, and suppositions, and allowances for escape, change
of mind &c., you furnish me with, — than to be struck at the
strange fancy which, as I said, insists on my being free to
leave off breathing vital air the moment it shall so please
me?
And when I spoke of ‘ dishonouring suppositions ‘ I had
not the faintest approximation to an idea of standing in your
eyes for a magnanimous keeper of promises, vow-observer,
and the rest. All that is profoundly pitiable ! But to
change none of my views of the good of this life and the
next, and yet to give up my love on the view (for instance)
which sees that good in money, or worldly advancement, —
what is that if not dishonouring ?
All the while, I know your thought, your purpose in it
all, — I believe and am sure — and I bless you from my
heart — you will soon know, what you have to know — I
believe, beforehand, I repeat.
I am rather out of spirits to-day — thus I feel toward
you when at all melancholy . . you would undo me in
withdrawing from me your help, undo me, I feel ! When,
as ordinarily, I am cheerful, I have precisely the same con-
viction. Does that prove nothing, my Ba ?
Well, I give up proving, or trying to prove anything—
from the beginning I abjured mere words — and now, much
more !
Let me kiss you, ever best and dearest ! My life is in
the hand you call ‘ mine,’ — if that hand would ‘ shake ‘ less
from letting it fall, I earnestly pray God may relieve you of
it nor ever let you be even aware of what followed your
relief ! For what should one live or die in this world ?
I am wholly yours —
Did I not meet two of your brothers yesterday in the
Hall ? Pray take care of this cold wind — be satisfied with
the good deeds of the last few days.