[Postmark: June 15, 1846]
Sunday.
May I venture to speak to dearest Ba as if I had seen
her or heard from her since I wrote yesterday, – and that
seeing or that hearing had brought the usual comfort and
assurance, – and forgiveness when needed, but delight at all
times ? Do you forgive me indeed, Ba ?
I shall know to-morrow – which ‘ to-morrow ‘ is your to-
day. I am soon to be with you to-day. I trust there is
occasion to exercise fancy and say – ‘ When we meet on your
return from Tunbridge a month hence,’ or two, or three . .
to go on fancying ! What should I do, – be able to do ?
and if I understood you rightly the letter-communication
would be hindered, if not stopped altogether. Thus is one
the sport of one’s own wishes. Fine weather is desired . .
fine enough to drive people out of town into the country !
As it is, I have been sufficiently punished for that foolish
letter, which has lost me the last two or three days of your
life and deeds, my Ba. You went to Mr. Kenyon’s – may
have gone elsewhere (and gathered roses I did not deserve
to receive) – but I do not know, and shall not recover my
loss not ever . . because if you tell me now, you exclude
something new you would say otherwise . . if you write it on
Tuesday, what becomes of Tuesday’s own stock of matter
for chronicling?
Well, the proper word in my mouth is – I am sorry to
the heart, and will try never to offend so again. How you
wrote to me, also ! How you rise above yourself while I
get no nearer where you were first of all, no nearer than
ever ! But so it should be ! so may it ever be !
I believe the fault comes from a too-sweet sense of the
freedom of being true with you, telling you all, hiding
nothing. Carlyle was saying in his fine way, he understood
why the Romans confined acting to their slaves . . it was
no employment for a free man to amuse people . . be bound
to do that, and if other faculties interposed, tending to
other results on an audience than amusement, be bidden
suppress them accordingly . . and so, he thought, it would
be one day with our amusers, writers of fun, concocters of
comic pieces. I feel it delicious to be free when most
bound to you, Ba, – to be able to love on in all the liberty
of the implied subjection . . so I am angry to you, despond-
ing sometimes to you, as well as joyous and hopeful – well,
well, I love, at any rate, do love you with heart and soul,
my Ba, – ever shall love you, dearest above all dearness :
God bless you !